The 2004 American Presidential Election
Touted as a “Victory for moral values” George Bush received a “mandate” from the American people who “came out in record numbers” to vote for him and against “sodomy” as well as the “Hollywood liberal elite.” A “polarizing event” in the United States, the election was also a “total fucking travesty” for the average American.
Reconstructing Iraq
“Deteriorating security situation” in this “Middle-Eastern Quagmire” has been a major focus around the world. “Slow but steady progress” was sometimes overshadowed by “Inhumane treatment of prisoners,” “brutal kidnappings and beheadings,” and “high probability of being hit by shrapnel.”
Paris Hilton
“Ubiquitous” Paris Hilton touted her “amateur porn video,” “perfume,” and “jewelry” all over red carpets everywhere, not even stopping long enough to “put on some goddamn underwear, already.” With “no discernable talent” and “mannish physical features,” Paris may soon be replaced as the “Why is She Famous? It Girl” by “younger, less-mannish” Lindsay Lohan.
iPod
College students everywhere shelled out “hundreds of dollars each” for “Crack with earphones,” spawning a slew of “cheap knockoffs” by Sony, Microsoft, and others. The iPod has proven “better than conventional portable music devices” because it’s “pretty” and “endorsed by U2.”
Ron Artest’s NBA Brawl
Ron Artest of the Indiana Pacers went “completely batshit crazy” when he was hit by a “flying cup of beer,” thrown by a “big Detroit loser.” The ensuing “melee” “confirmed everyone’s opinions about Detroit,” and caused sportscasters everywhere to go on “nauseating, self-righteous rants” about “sportsmanship.”
Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
Last year’s “Road Map to Peace” plan has been virtually abandoned, and the Israeli “West Bank Security Barrier” raised eyebrows in the international community. A “mainstay” on the world conflicts scene, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict has drawn criticism for offering nothing more than “Same Shit Different Day,” but the November death of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat has many regulars hoping for “fresh opportunity for the peace process.”
Sudan
“Pro-government Sudanese Muslim Arabs” carry out “brutal massacre” of “Sudanese Muslim Blacks.” Dubbed “genocide” by the world community, but largely ignored by American mainstream, with many asking, “What the hell is a darfur?”