This past weekend, in honor of St. Patrick’s Day, Jay and I picked up a 2 liter bottle of Green River soda and attempted to create the perfect Green River cocktail. I had no idea that Green River soda (or paaahhhp, if you must) is bottled in Chicago, and I’m not sure if I’m proud or mortified that such a, uh…, unique beverage calls our city its home. Green River tastes mostly like high fructose corn syrup with a shot of citric acid (for that authentic “lime” taste), but its color makes it worth the vomitious flavor. Think Mountain Dew meets Kermit the Frog. Even the Irish have not seen green like this, so you just know that the stuff has never come into contact with anything even remotely organic. It’s really a testament to modern chemistry.
However. HOWEVER. No matter how Irish you’re feeling, a Green River cocktail is not a good idea. We tried mixing it with vodka. We used the Skyy vodka, knowing that it was going to need more than Gordan’s to be palatable. The result was something that I might use to clean the floors, if it weren’t so goddamed sticky. I accidentally got some on me, and I think I still have a little residue from it. It was a little better with Jack Daniels, but neither of us could risk a third try, not even for The Captain. We switched to Vodka and 7UP, and called it a night.