Ahhhh, December. That time of year when thoughts turn to family, friends, and masturbatory end-of-year lists. Here’s mine.
Top 5 (Imaginary) Life Events of 2005
1. January: Doctors discover my rare lettuce allergy. I immediately stop eating the leafy stuff, lose 30 pounds, grow 5 inches. Skin is blemish-free. I never eat salad again.
2. March: Jay and I win $325 million mega-million lottery. Give $1 million to each of our friends. Even give $100,000 to friends we don’t like that much, just to make sure we have appropriate number of friends for such a good-looking, philanthropic couple. I quit my job and devote my life to watching list-based television and writing my novel in a whiskey-induced haze.
3. May: Ira Glass finds my essay “I know so many wacky people” on my blog. Begs me to read it for “This American Life.” Soon after the piece airs, my phone is ringing off the hook. I accept a 6-figure advance to write the story of my life.
4. July: Our $4 million lakefront condo officially becomes perfect when Jennifer Aniston moves into the unit upstairs. Quickly become BFF with Jen; spend days shoe-shopping, spend evenings doing our nails while watching romantic comedies on cable. Vince Vaughn is a heavy walker, but they invite us to all their parties. We rub elbows with Chicago’s biggest (although admitedly limited) celebrities.
5. October: We watch the Cubs win the World Series from the comfort of the Cusak’s skybox. Spend most of the evening drinking beer and making fun of Jeremy Piven. Piven gets handsy with me and Jen, and Jay punches him in the face, yelling “Get yer hands offa my woman, Jimmy Pivens.” Everyone laughs. Cubs win! Cubs win!