To Adrian Brody on the occasion of the Golden Globe Awards

Dear Adrian Brody,
Saw you on the Golden Globes tonight. Takes a brave man to wear an ascot, you know? And the greasy mullet? Well, what can I say? I know you owned these awards shows two years ago (or was it three?), so I guess you get a pass. Or at least, you’re on the waiting list for passes. But I think you might be trying too hard. Trying too hard to do what, I’m not sure… As far as the 70′s porn star look goes, Jason Lee clearly had you beat with the pornstache and bow tie. Unconventional neckwear/throwback hairstyle combo? I kind of liked Matt Dillon’s skinny tie/crew cut. If I had to guess, I’d say you looked a lot like a strip club smells. OK, I’ve never been to a strip club, and I couldn’t smell you from home… In your defense, that ascot would have looked SUPER gay with a cleaner hairstyle, so maybe you made the right choice after all.