There’s a reason why pesticides were invented, and it’s not just to poison unsuspecting consumers. And what was that reason again? Oh that’s right:
I found three of these monsters devouring my tomato plant yesterday. Let me repeat that. Three of these crazy huge hornworms were living just inches from my house on my back patio. They engorged themselves on my tomato plant, probably while peering through the patio door at me. I’m sure it was only a matter of time before they managed to get inside.
When I found the first hornworm, after I stopped peeing my pants, I called Jay to have him kill it. Even my manly 6’2″ 230 lbs. husband jumped back when he saw it. He then had the brilliant idea to snip it in half with the pruning shears. It practically exploded. So gross. After finding 2 more, I can’t even look at the tomato plant anymore for fear that I might catch a glimpse of another one. I can barely even think about tomatos anymore. I may never leave the house again.
In case you’re wondering, these things turn into 5-inch moths. FIVE INCH MOTHS. There is a reason I don’t live in Florida, people, and that reason is old people. But another reason is gigantic bugs.
So, I’m searching the internet for ways to get rid of the hornworms so that I can maybe fall asleep again someday without dreaming of fat, slimy caterpillars… And those nutty hippies don’t want me to use pesticides on my tomatos. Do you know what they want me to do to get rid of them? They want me to BUY PARASITIC WASPS. See, the parasitic wasps will devour the caterpillars from the inside out. Of course, then you have the problem of the parasitic wasps, but you know, at least you didn’t ingest trace amounts of chemicals.
Also, I just wanted to add that these three hornworms pooped ALL over my tomatos. Little, pencil-eraser-sized green poops all over my tomatos. But thank god there are no pesticides! I’m sure the caterpillar poop is much less toxic than pesticides. Does anyone want some homegrown, organic tomatos? Barf.
That’s just a picture I found on the internet, by the way. There is no physical way I could bring myself to take a picture of one of these things, much less put my hand near it for scale.