Interior: A banquet hall decorated with balloons and streamers. There’s a small stage to the side, and a big banner that says “Fieldston Bank Street Preschool Reunion. Class of ‘80.” Ms. Caroline Smythe, the school’s Dean, is on the stage, giving a speech to the group.
CAROLINE SMYTHE
Hello, and thank you for attending the Fieldston Bank Street class of 1980 Preschool Reunion. My name is Ms. Caroline Smythe, and I’m the dean here at the elite Fieldston Bank Street Preschool. Over the years, I’ve seen the best of the best preschoolers, representing the country’s finest families. My students have grown up to become CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, Nobel and Pulitzer prize-winners, and international political leaders. It’s wonderful to see all of you here again, all grown up. I hope you’ll take this opportunity to become re-acquainted with your former classmates, and – of course – please do enjoy yourself.
The crowd applauds. Cut to a group of 4 men standing around holding drinks. The four men all wear suits, but one (Milton) is wrinkled and ill-fitting.
MILTON
Hey, guys! It’s, me, Milton Heisburger! Remember me? So good to see you guys! Soo… How’s life been treating you?
GUY 1
Pretty good, you know… We’re all doing really well.
MILTON
Great. Yeah, me too. You know, when I was promoted to partner at the law firm, I thought, ‘I wish the guys could see me now.’
GUY 2
Hey Milton, Didn’t I make you eat worms once?
GUY 3
Ha! Yeah, and remember that one time I spit in your mouth?
The three guys start to push Milton around and taunt him.
GUY 1
Yeah, do you still like to eat spit?
Guy 1 takes an appetizer from one of the waiters walking by, licks it and tries to shove it in Milton’s mouth as Guy 2 and Guy 3 hold him down. They are interrupted by Ms. Smythe.
MS. SMYTHE
Boys, boys, boys! That’s enough! Come on, now. Let’s act like adults.
A creepy guy walks up to them in a stained polo shirt and khaki pants.
CREEPY GUY
Hey guys…
MILTON, GUY 1, GUY 2, GUY 3
Hey Paul.
Creepy Guy takes the licked appetizer and eats it. They all wince and groan.
CREEPY GUY
Hey… does anyone have any paste? That woulda been GREAT with some paste…
They all look disgusted.
Cut to three women standing at the bar. They are all well dressed, with perfect hair and makeup.
WOMAN 1
So… after I got my MBA from Harvard Business School, I spent a few years as a vice president at GE, and now I’m a stay at home mom.
WOMAN 2
That’s so great! I’m also a stay at home mom with an ivy league degree!
WOMAN 3
Well, I’ll tell you… Even though I owe half a million in student loan debt, I wouldn’t trade my little Alison for anything… Well… do you think I could get a hundred grand for her?
Uncomfortable silence…
WOMAN 1
Tequila shots?
They all agree and do shots. A man approaches, flirtatiously.
FLIRTY MAN
Ladies! Well hello there, Ladies!
WOMEN
(rolling their eyes) Hi, Jacob.
FLIRTY MAN
My, don’t you ladies look radiant this evening! Why, I’d say you haven’t aged a day since I saw you last, but you are so much more beautiful than a 4 year old.
WOMAN 2
(A little tipsy) Oh, Jacob! You always were the ladies man! I remember when you used to chase us around the playground, trying to kiss us and look up our skirts…
As she is talking, the man tries to lift up her skirt… She slaps him away.
WOMAN 3
Yeah, my mom got so mad that one time when she caught us playing doctor! I was grounded for a week! Those were fun times…
As Woman 3 is talking, the man sneaks up to her and kisses her on the cheek. They all panic, scream and run in circles, as the man gives chase.
WOMAN 3
Oh my god, Cooties!
Cut to twins Laura and Larry, dressed similarly, with Larry in slightly effeminate clothes (but not over the top). Ms. Smythe approaches them.
MS. SMYTHE
Well, look at this! If it isn’t the Christianson twins, Laura and Larry… Looks like you two are still close.
LAURA
(dryly) Ha. About as close as a proton and an electron after nuclear fission.
LARRY
Yeah, pretty much as close as Emily Dickinson and her brother Austin after he shamed their family by taking a mistress.
LAURA
We have nothing in common. I have a PhD in Physics from MIT, and he studied poetry at NYU.
MS. SMYTHE
Well, it seems like you have the same taste in clothes…
LARRY
Well, of course we have the same taste in clothes. We shared a womb, you know! Gosh, why do you have to constantly victimize me?
LAURA
(protective of her brother) Do not even think of insulting my brother’s clothes, because I will go nuclear on your ass.
There is awkwardness for a moment, but then the creepy guy approaches, eating from a large jar of paste.
CREEPY GUY
I figured they wouldn’t have paste here, so I brought my own.
He walks away, happily.
MS. SMYTHE
I’m afraid Paul never really adjusted to life after his parents’ divorce.
LAURA
Yeah, he seems a bit off.
LARRY
What does he do now?
MS. SMYTHE
Oh, Paul? He’s a congressman.
Blackout.
