One of my biggest concerns about my wedding ceremony involves “the readings.” From what I can tell, the actual wedding part of a wedding ceremony takes approximately 3 minutes, leaving at least 15 minutes that need to be filled. So people pad their ceremonies with various readings and hymns. Well, scripture is not my thing, but I’m not opposed to filling the time with words of wisdom written by someone else. But I haven’t really come across anything that has reallly grabbed me, anything that strikes me as particularly wise. Until today. Unfortunately, I doubt that Jay will agree that David Sedaris’ butt-boil qualifies as an appropriate celebration of our life together.
Combining three of 5 hallmarks of tastefullness: fuschia, tank-tops, and rhinestones (missing: lace and battery-operated lights), this Bride Tank Top is a steal at only $24.95 from weddingchannel.com. Watch out, ladies: it comes in “Bridesmaid” style as well!
Chicago places third in the list of most-popular tv-show settings. However, I think we’re still first in the list of most-popular John Hughes movie settings. Hey, if you can’t be cool and interesting, at least you can be overly nostalgic about your youth.
Ladies and Gentleman, the leader of the free world forgot to zip his pants.
Somebody could have told me THREE WEEKS AGO that I messed up the comments feature on this here blog. I disabled mt-blacklist for now, but I will mess with it more later.
Sorry to Jay, who spent a lot of time composing a comment, only to have it eaten. Sorry to anyone else, too.
UPDATE: Not 2 minutes after disabling mt-blacklist, I have already received comment spam. BASTARDS
Apparently conservative Christians in our happy dysfunctional country think they have some kind of a mandate. ABC has issued an apology for some kind of racy lead-in to Monday Night Football involving the cast of Desperate Housewives. OK, I did not see the piece in question. But I have seen Monday Night Football numerous times, and if ABC thinks that it was not appropriate for the Monday Night Football viewing audience, then I think that Miller Brewing Company owes the country one fucking HUGE apology. Have these people never seen a football game on TV? Do they black out in boob-induced seizures, and therefore don’t remember seeing any beer ads? Car ads? Ads in general?
Listen up. Advertisements are generally tasteless. That’s the nature of them. So suck it up or turn off the tv. Shouldn’t you be at church?
Conservatives are also protesting Kinsey, the biopic about scientist Alfred Kinsey, who did research about ::gasp:: sex (dun-dun-DUNNNN). I didn’t even want to see this crappy movie, but now I feel like I have to in order to make some kind of statement. There is seriously a problem in this country when a group of conservatives makes me want to go see a biopic about a scientist.
Related: Chicagoist discusses Antioch’s badass Christians and declares “family values have officially jumped the shark.” Totally.
I am just under halfway done with getting myself some bridesmaids. Jen forced my hand last weekend, coming right out and asking “am I going to be in your wedding or what?” I had been avoiding the subject with everyone I know, because… Well, I’d like to say it was because I was waiting for some fabulous, thoughtful way to ask them, but really, I was a little self-consious about asking people I know and like to do stuff for me. Because, if you know me, which you may or may not, I like to do stuff myself. I’m a little uncomfortable asking for help, especially if helping me involves 5 girls in matching tafetta dresses.
At any rate, since Jen got the ball rolling, I now have to ask everyone else as soon as possible, so they won’t find out that I asked Jen and then get all pissy that I didn’t ask them. So Meredith was next on my list, since she happened to be at the restaurant with us. Now, granted, I perhaps could have worded the question a little better. “Do you want to be one of my bridesmaids?” is kind of a dumb question, because really, who WANTS to be a bridesmaid? (Well, Jen apparently does, but I think that’s a fluke.) But Mereidth’s response was not exactly what I was expecting, nor what I needed to hear so early in the asking-the-bridesmaids process. Meredith, of course, agreed to be a bridesmaid, however reluctantly, but now I’m sure I will break out in a cold sweat while asking the other ones.
Thanks a lot Meredith. Meet your new bridesmaid dress. Hope you like it. I know that I told you that you could pick out your own dress, but I changed my mind because I just think you’re going to look fabulous as a ballerina. I think this one has a gigantic ass-bow, too.
P.S. For your reference: 19 Ways to Indulge the Bride. This is your new bible.
Rent-a-Nerd will send a nerd couple to your wedding to pose as nerd-frends as an ice breaker.
So we finally found a place to get married. Or rather, I found a place to get married. Jay hasn’t been there yet, but he didn’t seem to care one way or another. We picked Bartlett Hills Golf Club in Bartlett. It’s nice, it’s relatively cheap, and the barn factor is low.
Truth be told, Bartlett Hills was my second choice. I was looking at Indian Lakes Resort in Bloomingdale, and I fell in LOVE with the place during the 45-minute tour they gave me and my mom. The place was designed by a student of Frank Lloyd Wright, and it’s designed as a bunch of interlocking octogons. Hard to explain, but you should check it out. They have this really nice fireplace room for a cocktail hour, and the upstairs ballrooms have really high ceilings and mod globe lights instead of a chandelier. Their hotel bar is called “The Cave” and it is literally in a cave under a waterfall. AWESOME. So after the lengthy tour, they tell me, “oh yeah, we have a food and beverage minimum.” And the food and beverage minimum is exactly the same as my budget for the ENTIRE wedding. Well, screw that. Couldn’t they have told me that BEFORE the 45 minute tour? BASTARDS.
Do you know how many Illinois reception sites have “Barn” in their name? A lot. I may be having my wedding in the suburbs, but there’s no f-ing way I’m having it in a barn. So the Bartlett Hills Golf Club has kind of a country house sort of feel, but it’s more of an old, stone, Italian countryside kind of place than a marrying your cousin and not wearing shoes kind of place. By the way, did you know that in Illinois, you can marry your first cousin if you are both over the age of 60? Weird.
Man, seriously, WORST DAY EVER. Everything seems to be conspiring against me today, but I had no warning, since I cancelled my daily horoscope as part of my deal with God. Thanks a lot, God. The lowlight of the day was when a construction worker accused me of being illiterate. OK, it was mainly my fault that I was driving on Army Trail Road despite the “Road Closed” signs, but do you have to be so MEAN about it? And anyway, how can they close Army Trail Road? That’s a major one, and you can’t just close it and expect everyone to go 5 miles out of their way up to North Avenue just to get around. I gave him the eye roll, though, which I’ve heard can be DEADLY. Not sure if mean construction workers pick up on such subtlety–I probably should have gone with The Finger. Oh well.
