On Wednesday, I looked in the mirror and noticed that my ass had gotten bigger. I had lost about 20 lbs between January and April, and then held pretty steady all summer, but my latest trip to the scale showed I had gained about 6 of it back. HORRORS. I am supposed to be losing 20 more pounds, not gaining it back.

Basically, I’ve had Oprah-style weight swings since graduating high school, and each time I lose weight I gain back even more, and then it’s that much harder to lose it again. Needless to say, I am not ready to start the upswing quite yet. I would like to spend at least a month or two at a healthy weight before heading back into the overweight range, and also: I am not ready to buy new pants.

So I signed up for 5 a.m. bootcamp. Every Friday for 8 weeks. Only 8 times. EASY.

Let me be clear: I don’t do 5 a.m. I am pretty much incapable of moving before the sun comes up, and it is a struggle to get to work before 9:30. For 5 a.m. bootcamp, I need to wake up at 4:30 a.m. – the middle of the night. (OK, it’s actually only a little more than an hour before the alarm goes off, but that is the BEST HOUR.)

At around 5 p.m. yesterday, when it hit me that I would be waking up in 12 short hours to bust my ass at the park district gym, I started questioning what I had gotten myself into. I don’t actually know what exercises comprise “boot camp” and I haven’t done real exercise in as long as I can remember.

This morning, I drag my expanding ass out of bed at 4:30 and make my way to the gym. First, I get lost. Obviously, I would not remember where the gym is, since I haven’t been there in 3 years. But it is only 1 mile away, and there are only TWO streets to take to get there, so it’s really pretty pathetic, and the whole time I’m wondering how bad it will be to mosey into bootcamp 5 minutes late.

I park the car in a bit of a panic and run/jog/stagger to the entrance, only subconsciously noticing that there is only one other car in the parking lot. Yes. The doors are locked. In my just-woke-up confusion, I try every door, and then pathetically knock. The girl working there is just setting up the front desk and kindly comes to the door to explain to me that the gym floor was refinished this week, and it’s not dry yet, and they should have told me that when I registered.

Yes, they should have told me that when I registered.

She invited me back for the Monday morning session as a make-up, but if they think I am waking up at 4:30 a.m. on a NATIONAL HOLIDAY, they must really be delusional. They can keep my $6. So the good news is: Only 7 times left!