• Celebrity Birthday: Oprah Winfrey turns 56 today. She celebrated by adopting two new springer spaniel puppies to go with the three she already had. She wanted to adopt a couple of those Jolie-Pitt kids, but Maddox and Zahara kept making Stedman cry.
• Celebrity Birthday: Dick Cheney’s birthday was this weekend. He turned 69…Unfortunately, the party turned ugly when Scott Brown jumped out of the giant birthday cake, and Cheney shot him in the face.
• President Obama visited the House Republican Retreat in Baltimore this week to answer questions and address concerns about the issues facing the country.

Sat. 1/30, 10:20 a.m.: Well, so much for Friday night headlines. I am about to meet up with L. for some craaaazy fun bridesmaid dress shopping, but maybe I can squeeze in a couple more pathetic attempts at punchlines.

Sat. 1/30, 10:51 a.m.: I think these are particularly bad today. Sorry.

Bonus fact: We get 3 newspapers a day (4 on Sundays!) because Jay hates trees. Or something like that. Most of these stories are from the Sun Times, though. I like the tabloid size because its easier to read with a cup of coffee in one hand.

• The Defense Department next week will propose for the first time a “way forward” on lifting the military’s ban on gays from serving openly.”Well, I think it’s about time. Maybe if they can serve in the military they’ll finally stop sleeping with Republican politicians.
• A 12 year old boy and a 13 year old girl from Indiana will both be charged with possession of child pornography after getting caught sending naked cell phone pictures to each other.The two will also have to appear on the new VH1 show, Text Rehab with Bristol Palin.
• A 15,000 square foot warehouse dedicated to medicinal marijuana is about to open in Oakland. The one-stop shop for medicinal-marijuana cultivation is being called the Walmart of Weed.Instead of “look out for falling prices,” the store’s slogan will be “look out for Woody Harrelson.”
• Jay Leno went on the Oprah Winfrey show on Thursday to talk about the big late night mess over at NBC. He said he was devastated and that he felt really bad for Conan O’Brien. (ugh. I think I’m over this.)
• The Grammy’s are on this weekend…Yes, the recording academy plans to award “Album of the Year” to Beyonce, but the Republicans are expected to filibuster.

Update 9:48 p.m. Everything was reruns today, so I added 2 more.

It’s Thursday! That means I’ll be spending most of the night watching tv! So, I’m scaling it back today! Here are three headlines!

• In his state of the union address on Wednesday, President Obama admitted that change has not come fast enough, and that it’s time to get serious about fixing the country’s problems.He went on to describe his plan for getting Conan to sign with Fox.
• During the address, Obama made some controversial statement’s about the supreme’s court’s recent ruling on campaign finance law. While Obama was speaking, Justice Samuel Alito was seen making a dismissive face, shaking his head and mouthing the words “not true.”As you may know, a reaction like that is virtually unheard of in the history of the state of the union address. Well, at least since that time Clarence Thomas fell asleep during one of Clinton’s speeches and woke up shouting, “Can’t touch this!”
• Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled the company’s new tablet computer on Wednesday, calling it the “iPad.” They’re saying this thing can pretty much do anything. Rumor has it can even fix global warming. Or, at least that’s what Al Gore said when he invented it.

And now two last-minute additions:

• Legendary author J.D. Salinger died today…In honor of his legacy, high school students across the country said “huh? Who’s J.D. Salinger?”
• People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals this week called for the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club to replace the world-famous Punxsutawney Phil with an animatronic groundhog.If it sees its shadow, we’ve still got 6 more weeks until the robot apocolypse.

Update: 9:05 p.m. I think I decided to “write” for Letterman. I didn’t think it would make a big difference, but it is a lot easier to write these when I’m writing for a specific person.

Update: 10:15 p.m. Not that I am in any way saying these are Letterman-quality jokes. Just that he’s my muse for this project.

Update: 10:16 p.m. Letterman as my muse is pretty gross, right?

I am already one joke ahead of where I was yesterday at this time. Progress!!!

• The Senate on Tuesday rejected a plan to create a bipartisan task force to tackle the federal deficit this year, despite new figures predicting a record $1.4 trillion deficit.No, of course they wouldn’t work on the deficit this year; they have much more important things to do. Like figuring out whether Scott Brown waxes or shaves.
• Several conservative activists were arrested this week for dressing up as telephone repair men in an attempt to tamper with the phones in Senator Mary Landreau’s office.Well that’s a shame… Everyone knows that the best way to sneak into a senator’s office is to pose naked for Cosmo.
• You know Oprah Winfrey is launching a new cable network called OWN. This week, network executives unveiled the channel’s new tagline, which is “It’s your life, own it!” Yeah, because your life is pretty much the ONLY thing left that Oprah doesn’t own.
• And Martha Stewart is also moving her show to cable… She’s leaving NBC to go to the Hallmark Channel. Now that makes me think…. I wonder how good Jay Leno is at crafts?
• Pope John Paul II often whipped himself with a belt to be closer to perfection, according to a new book released on Tuesday.Hmmm… If self-inflicted pain brings you closer to God, I’m going to have to start watching Jersey Shore.
• A new study out this week shows that driving impairs your ability to use and understand language.Ooooh, so that explains all the middle fingers I got on my drive in to work this morning…
• Keifer Sutherland was scammed out of more than $800,000 in a fraudulent cattle-buying scheme, according to prosecutors. I think Jay nailed this one in the comments. That was pretty much what I was going to go for, but it’s late now, and I’m stuck.

Update 9:04 p.m.: I am so totally Nicholas Fehn today… What have I gotten myself into? So here are my jokes. I decided the sports ones are not in my “sweet spot” so I’ll maybe focus on politics in the future.

Here are a few stories for the day. I’m going to return to this throughout the day (or maybe late tonight) to fill in some punchlines.

• Elderly NFL quarterback Brett Favre told ESPN his return next season is “highly unlikely.” Other things that Brett Favre thinks are highly unlikely: Evolution, global warming and the Vikings losing to the Saints in the NFC Championship. (cuz, he’s senile, get it?) (hmm… Hip replacement surgery? Guh.)
• Legendary Cub’s player Ernie Banks urged Sammy Sosa to make a public statement on steroid accusations that have dogged Sosa since his 1998 home-run race with Mark McGwire.Wasn’t his uncontrollable acne and inexplicable 80-pound weight gain public statement enough?
• Actor Gary Coleman was released from a Utah jail Monday after being arrested over the weekend on a warrant for failing to appear in court. Gary Coleman is the joke in this one.
• A woman involved in a car accident was found eating a white powdered substance, according to the police officer on the scene. She claimed the powder was from a powdered-sugar doughnut… Listen lady, the last thing you want to do when you’ve got a bag of cocaine in your car is tell the cops you have a powdered doughnut. (It’s like flies to honey…)
• The human brain is only capable of handling a maximum of 150 actual friendships, say an Oxford University Professor studying online social networking…Good news for Facebook users, though, as the site does not require an actual human brain.
• In his state of the union speech Wednesday night, President Obama will attribute the loss of the Massachusetts Senate seat to distrust of Washington in general — not because of opposition to Democratic health care reforms. (This one makes me depressed.)
• Facing voter anger over mounting budget deficits, President Obama will ask Congress to freeze spending for some domestic programs, officials said Monday. Unfortunately for Joe Lieberman, this means it’ll be a couple more years before he can buy his soul back from the Devil.
• Obama also unveiled plans to help the middle class through tax breaks and retirement savings accounts. When pushed for details about his proposed legislation, however, Obama commented “It doesn’t matter because the Senate won’t pass it anyway.” and also… Don’t you need a JOB before you can pay taxes and save for retirment?
• Saddam Hussein’s cousin, known as “chemical Ali” was executed over the weekend after receiving his fourth death sentence for gassing 5000 Kurds. Since they couldn’t execute him four times, they just hung him once and then used his clothes to create three “chemical ali” pinatas. (Candy!)

Yeah, sorry about that last one. It’s getting late – I just want to be done. See you in the morning!