• Marijuana use among senior citizens is on the rise as baby boomers turn to the drug to relieve the aches and pains of aging. The trend is examined in-depth in Cheech and Chong’s next movie, called “Up in Smoke 2: You kids stay off of my grass.”
• In a press conference this week, Tiger Woods said that he has turned to Buddhism as a way to deal with his marital problems. Friends of the golfer say this is Tiger’s first step towards landing a hot yoga teacher.

But not tonight!

President Obama met with the Dalai Lama on Thursday. The move angered Chinese officials who claim that it’s proof the Dalai Lama is a secret Muslim.

In June, the country’s most popular cigarettes – Marlboro Lights – will be re-branded as Marlboro Golds to comply with new rules outlawing the marketing of light cigarettes as a healthier alternative. The law also jeopardizes the company’s newest product line – Marlboro Broccoli.

NBC’s Olympic coverage beat American Idol in ratings on Wednesday night, marking the first time in 6 years that the popular talent show has not been number 1. There are no hard feelings, though. As a show of good will, Fox donated all of Paula’s old clothes to the US men’s figure skating team.

New figures released by the US Commerce department show that roughly 40% of US households do not have high speed Internet, which officials say puts them at risk in today’s economy. Because with 10% unemployment, it’s important to have access to the vast library of cat videos on YouTube.

On Tuesday, the National Security Council met to run a cyber war game, which began with a virus-ridden smartphone application and ended with the entire nation losing electricity. So, don’t worry international cyber terrorists… You want to create widespread global chaos? There’s an app for that!

A French researcher studying a hundred years worth of athletic world records has concluded that human athletic performance reached its peak in 1988. After hearing the news, fat teenage boys everywhere shrugged their shoulders and went back to playing World of Warcraft.

• Warm weather has plagued the Vancouver Olympics so far, melting snow and turning the ski runs to slush. Global warming deniers could not be reached for comment because their cars were stuck in mud at the bottom of the mountain.
• American Johnny Spillane took home a silver medal in the Nordic Combined event, which involves a ski jump followed by a cross country ski race. This is the first-ever medal for an American in that event, and with three Americans in the top six spots, the US team has shown that it’s a true contender in the world of Sports Nobody Cares About.
• In women’s hockey, the Americans beat China 12 – 1. All three fans were said to be ecstatic.
• Alexandre Bilodeau became the first Canadian to win a gold medal on Canadian soil this weekend. When asked what he is going to do next, Bilodeau shouted “I’m going to Canada’s Wonderland!”
• In a news conference, American Snowboarder Graham Watanabe compared being in the Olympics to riding a pegasus crossed with a unicorn into clouds and sunshine and rainbows. In other news, Vancouver faces a widespread shortage of weed and cheetos.

2/14/10 Update: These are terrible. I need to start over, but I could t just leave the unfinished. Apologies.

• A 23 year old man was arrested for smashing 29 tvs with a baseball bat at a Walmart in Georgia. The previous record holder was Mark McGuire, who ushered in the steroid era of walmart crime sprees by smashing 22 tvs in 1994.
• “Thinking outside the box” placed first on a list of most annoying office jargon in a recent British survey. Dear British survey respondents: Thinking outside the box was sunsetted 5 years ago. I think if you drill down and really do a deep dive, you’ll be able to ideate a more annoying buzzword. Please advise.
• The number of illegal immigrants in the U.S. has declined by almost 1 million since 2008, according to a new study. Wow, we’re losing illegal immigrants faster than Glen Beck’s losing advertisers.
• NASA is studying minor damage to the space shuttle Endeavor, which docked at the International Space Station this week. Apparently, the only thing more dangerous than a space shuttle is a Toyota. UGH.
• Celebrity birthday: Sarah Palin turns 46 today.

These 8 a.m. meetings are TOTALLY interfering with the comedy writing class that I’m taking for fun. I’ll have to have a little talk with my boss.

• Comcast announced that it is rebranding itself as “Xfinity.”The term refers to the amount of time you will spend on hold the next time your cable goes out.
• New York Governor David Patterson refused to drop out of the state’s gubernatorial election, saying that the only way he would leave office is “in a box.” And he will only get in that box if it also contains 2 hookers and a kilo of coke.
• Seattle transit authorities plan to revise their security policies after three security guards observed a teenage girl getting beaten by three men. In the future, instead of mandating that guards just “observe and report” such incidents, the policy will now also mandate that they run away screaming.
• The House of Representatives canceled all votes this week due to two large snowstorms hitting the Washington DC area. That one decision represents the most progress the House has made on anything in months.
• A small earthquake hit just outside Chicago on Wednesday morning.Mayor Daley promptly added it to the city payroll.