The talk show class that is requiring me to write these jokes every week ends on Monday, so this will probably be my last batch of jokes. That’s good news for me, since I haven’t been able to keep up with the 3-5 per day pace that I started at. In fact, I don’t even know if I have to write any this week, but I’m uncomfortable with the idea of going to class unprepared. Yeah, NERD, I know.

Lindsay Lohan filed a lawsuit against E-Trade, saying the company’s Superbowl commercial unfairly capitalized on her name when the ad’s talking babies referred to someone called “Milkaholic Lindsay.” E-Trade defended their ad, stating that the baby was very obviously modeled after notorious milkaholic Senator Lindsey Graham.

A man who asked a woman in a movie theater to stop talking on her phone during the movie was stabbed in the neck with a meat thermometer. He was then escorted out of the theater for making too much noise.

Appearing on The Glenn Beck Program, Former New York Representative Eric Massa admitted to tickling and groping male staffers. Massa defended himself, claiming that as a navy veteran, he thought his actions were allowed under the armed forces’ relaxed “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

Democratic Senator Jim Webb suggested that the U.S. Army allow soldiers in war zones to drink alcohol as a form of stress relief. The proposal was soundly rejected by the U.S. House of Representatives, whose official recommendation for stress relief is limited to tickle fights.

An Arizona Republican has proposed a 5% pay cut for all members of congress, the first since 1933. The proposal signals rough times ahead for the already struggling “hookers and blow” industry.

i thought i already published these but i just found them in the Drafts folder. hmmm. kind of like finding something sticky in your pocket after putting on your spring jacket for the first time in a year…

The Oscars were on last night, hosted by Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Steve Martin has hosted before, but it was the first time the ceremony was sponsored by Cialis.

Sandra Bullock won the Oscar for best actress. When asked for comment, her former Speed costar, Keanu Reeves, said, “woah.”

I know I shouldn’t write these all the night before my class, but I couldn’t write anything while I was in Cincinnati because, well, CINCINNATI. There’s nothing funny about southern Ohio. It’s sort of the colon of America. Located somewhere below the beer belly of the midwest and just above the rectum and shitpile of the south. They put CHILI on their hot dogs fer Chrissakes. WTF.

Celebrity Birthday: Alan Greenspan turns 84 on Saturday… Even in retirement, Greenspan is highly influential. He’s on so many different medications, he’s created a pharmaceutical bubble based on his sub-prime health.

The U.S. Postal Service announced a plan to eliminate Saturday deliveries, cutting mail service to 5 days a week. So you might have to wait an extra day to receive the one letter a year you get from your Grandmother.

The 8.8 magnitude earthquake off the coast of Chile was so powerful that it sped up the earth’s rotation, shortening our days by about 1.6 microseconds.The good news is: Jay Leno’s show will now be 1.6 microseconds shorter.

More than three million New York cable tv subscribers may miss Sunday night’s Academy Awards broadcast due to a standoff between ABC and Cablevision. In order to attract would-be Oscar viewers, CBS’s Undercover Boss will feature 7-11 President Joseph DePinto modeling designer ball gowns.

Grateful Dead-inspired jam band Phish plans to release a 3D concert film in theaters next month. In stock market news, concession stand futures were sharply up.

Ooohwee, it’s been a while, eh? I was in Cincinnati for work for most of this week, but I did do some writing on the plane trips. Overall, pretty terrible:

A bakery that makes girl scout cookies is pulling some batches of its lemon chalet cremes because of complaints of a foul smell. Upon further investigation, the bakery found that the affected cookies were fine – the problem was actually due to girl scout Michelle “Stinky” Jones delivering the cookies in unseasonably warm weather.(Barf.)

A tsunami warning in Hawaii was canceled after the large waves expected never materialized. However, various conservative groups still demanded to see the tsunami’s birth certificate.

Three days after Tilikum, the largest Orca in captivity, attacked and killed its trainer, Sea World announced that it would resume its killer whale shows. The shows would have started up again sooner except that Southwest Airlines refused to let Shamu board the plane that was to take him there.

As E.U. countries consider a bail-out of the bankrupt Greek government, the chief economist at the Center for European Reform said that in order to sell the bail-out plan to the skeptical German public, the Greeks must be seen “suffering.” In order to bring Greek suffering up to a level acceptable to the German public, the Greek government has provided each citizen with a copy of David Hasselhoff’s greatest hits.

Senator Jim Bunning, who had been filibustering a jobs bill, relented on Tuesday, after his amendment to the bill was voted down. In a show of bipartisan unity, Senators from both sides of the aisle voted down the Kentucky Senator’s amendment, which would have required everyone receiving unemployment benefits to wear string ties and white linen suits. HAHAHAH COLONEL SANDERS.

On Wednesday, gay marriage became legal in Washington D.C.The move is expected to bring in a flood of even more closeted Republicans.