Distasteful

COMMERCIAL PARODY 2 (Stage)

A man in khaki pants and a blue polo shirt stands at a countertop. Ingredients and a blender are displayed neatly in bowls, like a cooking show.

Hi! I’m Willie Hayes, and I’m here to tell you about a new device that will revolutionize the way you work in the kitchen.

Are you tired of traditional blenders, with their dangerous blades, confusing buttons and complicated lid systems?

He holds up the pitcher of a blender and tries unsuccessfully to put the lid on it.

Now there’s a better way! Take a look at Mr. Blender, the quickest, easiest way to blend, grind and/or chop your food.

A man walks on stage and positions himself behind the counter. His t-shirt says “Mr. Blender.”

Want a strawberry banana smoothie? NO PROBLEM. Mr. Blender is on the job! You don’t even need to peel the banana. Just place the strawberries, banana and a little frozen yogurt in front of Mr. Blender, and watch the magic happen.

He places all the ingredients in a large bowl in front of Mr. Blender. Mr. Blender mashes everything together with his hands and scoops it into a glass. Will Hayes takes a sip with a straw.

DELICIOUS!

(continued?)

But that’s not all!

More than just a blender, Mr. Blender also chops and grinds. Homemade peanut butter is a great healthy alternative to store-bought brands with their additives and preservatives. But chopping peanuts by hand is hard work! That’s where Mr. Blender comes in.

Just feed the peanuts into Mr. Blender’s grinding compartment and in just a few seconds…

He dumps half a cup of peanuts into Mr. Blender’s mouth. Mr. Blender chews the peanuts.

Mr. Blender chops and grinds the peanuts to the exact consistency you want.

He holds a cup up to Mr. Blender’s mouth. Mr. Blender spits the chewed up peanuts into the cup.

Wonderful!

Spreading the chewed-up peanuts onto a slice of bread:

So, if you’re tired of complicated traditional blenders, Mr. Blender can help! Call now to reserve yours today!

He takes a bite of the sandwich.

DELICIOUS!

April 27, 2010 | Posted in: Miscellaneous | Comments Closed

The worst part of waking up is seeing this commercial

COMMERCIAL PARODY 1 (Filmed)

Father is making coffee. Daughter comes downstairs in a robe and sits down at the kitchen table.

FATHER
You were out late last night.

DAUGHTER
Oh, Dad. I’m not a little girl anymore.

FATHER
I know. But still, it was late.

DAUGHTER
Well, you aren’t going to have to worry about that anymore.

(cut to engagement ring on daughter’s finger, then cut to father smiling.)

ANNOUNCER
For overbearing fathers, whose adult daughters can’t take care of themselves, Oldgers coffee has been reinforcing traditional gender stereotypes for generations.

Cut to sepia-toned old timey dad, daughter and man, dressed as pioneers. The man has 2 goats. All three are drinking coffee.

DAD
My daughter is not very smart, but she has a strong back. With these two goats and some Oldgers coffee, she will make you a happy man.

All three look at the camera and smile. The daughter hugs her new husband.

Cut to an old couple sitting on rocking chairs on a large front porch of a house surrounded by a wheat field.

ANNOUNCER
Oldgers coffee is the coffee of choice for traditionalists, moralists and sentimentalists around the world…

Cut to black and white scene of a man sitting at a table, reading a newspaper. Woman (pregnant, but wearing pearls and high heels) is cooking breakfast in the kitchen.

HUSBAND
Well, I’ll be! This coffee is actually good. You finally learned how to make something that doesn’t make me sick to my stomach!

WIFE
Oh, I’m still a horrible cook, dear. But now that I’ve found Oldgers Coffee, I can spend less time trying to make you a tasty cup of coffee, and more time vacuuming the house in high heels…

They both turn to the camera and smile.

(Musical interlude, with a collage of photographs from various middle class vignettes)
Jingle: The best part of waking up… is living in the past.

Cut back to the first man and daughter.

DAUGHTER
I’m so happy to have found another man to keep me under control.

DAD
He’s a lucky man… At least that’s what I told him when we talked last week.

Flashback to a week earlier. Dad shakes man’s hand and gives him 2 goats.

Fade out.

| Posted in: Miscellaneous | Comments Closed

Do you want fries with that?

BLACKOUT 2
Person 1 is seated, facing to the side. Person 2 is standing slightly behind him, facing the front. Person 2 is holding a notepad and pen, taking notes as Person 1 speaks.

PERSON 1
So… (thinking) my mom’s indifference to me, combined with the absence of my father, makes it hard for me to trust people… You think I’ve been dealing with my insecurities through avoidance and self-destructive behavior?

PERSON 2
Sounds about right. Is there anything else?

PERSON 1
Yeah, I’ll have a Big Mac and Fries

PERSON 2
OK. That will be $5.85. Pay at the next window

Person 1 shifts car into gear and places hands on steering wheel, motioning as if driving away.

| Posted in: Miscellaneous | Comments Closed

A shitty job

BLACKOUT 1
Guy washes his hands in a sink. Bathroom attendant hands him a towel. He reluctantly takes the towel, dries his hands, and hands the guy a dollar bill, while rolling his eyes a bit.

MAN
Hey, let me ask you something. As a bathroom attendant, do you even care that I can easily dry my hands by myself? I mean, you do not add any value to my life whatsoever.

BATHROOM ATTENDANT
Well, sir, I’ve thought about that, but you know, the money’s pretty good.

MAN
So you make your living doing a job no one really needs, convincing them to give you money for reasons they don’t really understand, surrounded by human waste and filth?

BATHROOM ATTENDANT
Well, what do you do for a living?

MAN
I’m a stockbroker.

| Posted in: Miscellaneous | Comments Closed

Last week’s assignment: Weekend Update

More Jokes! While we were in Costa Rica, the assignment was to write a Weekend Update, including 3 character pieces and 4 jokes. I obviously did not work while I was in C.R., so I tried to cram in two weeks worth of assignments on Sunday night. I thought these sucked, but the class seemed to like them. (Didn’t quite get around to the characters)

Comedy Central censored a recent episode of South Park after a radical Muslim website published a threat against show creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker. The controversial episode was to feature the prophet Muhammad dressed in a bear costume. Hey… That gives me an idea… If Muhammad in a bear suit can get a show taken off the air…
(Visual: photo of guy in a bear suit with the cast of Jersey Shore)

An explosion on an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico caused the platform to sink, and 42,000 gallons of oil a day are estimated to be leaking into the water off the gulf coast. The good news is, Uncle Cletus down in Mississippi now has enough hair tonic to last the rest of the summer.
(Visual: photo of an old redneck man with a greased back comb over, next to an oil-covered seagull.)

(Visual: blindfolded man with a cigarette in his mouth.)
A Utah Man is set to be executed by firing squad on June 18th. Although capital punishment opponents are protesting the ruling, victims rights advocates argue that firing squad is actually less cruel and unusual than making the man continue to live in Utah.

***

All 41 Republican senators signed a letter this week stating their opposition to the financial regulation bill that’s currently being debated in the Senate Banking Committee. What possible reasons could these guys have for opposing a bill that will prevent investment bankers and hedge fund managers from defrauding their customers out of their hard-earned money?

Is it because it’s an unpopular bill pushed through by power-hungry Democrats? Yeeeaaah, right. Pretty much EVERYONE hates the bank executives and their multi-million dollar bonuses. Let’s face it – the only people more reviled in this country than financial executives are, in fact, members of congress. So probably the only bill that would be more popular than this financial regulation bill would be a bill forcing all Senators to just shut the hell up and do a little work.

I mean, I can’t think of any other bill that would be more popular than reigning in executive bonuses and complex derivative trading. Even a bill mandating good weather would be opposed by farmers who need rain for their crops. A bill providing free cake for everyone would tick-off nutritionists, but really, who on earth would support more money for bankers?

So, come on Republican Senators. You can pretend all day that you’re working hard to support the “populist” uprising of Average Joe Tea Partier. But at the end of the day, there’s something a little off about defending an institution that almost brought down the entire American economy. And when I say something’s a little off, I’m not just talking about this guy:
(Visual: tea partier dressed in colonial clothing)

| Posted in: Miscellaneous | Comments Closed

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-04-25

  • Hot. #
  • Home. At least there's no 4-inch bugs here. #
  • Flight home w/ the Houston Dynamo, MLS team on board – playing Chi Fire tomorrow. I don't care about soccer but the urge to boo was strong. #
  • They seem nice enough, though. #
  • No showings this weekend + vacation hangover + scraped knee/torn jeans. Today is shaping up to be a C-. #
  • Vince and Jay are talking about twitter. http://twitpic.com/1i8jeb #

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April 25, 2010 | Posted in: Miscellaneous | Comments Closed

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-04-18

  • Oh fabulous. The annual comcast Internet outtage has started early this year. I'm trying to work from home, dammit. #
  • Who needs Internet anyway? Working like it's 1989! Gonna print out a memo and make dittos. At least comcast doesn't make ditto machines! #
  • standing on Clark and Addison waiting for the bus. I don't understand the logic behind this ad: http://twitpic.com/1f7zkf #
  • Sketch idea: Drunk Homeless CTA Idol. #
  • Attending a meeting in Denver on Thurs/Fri with two VPs & only a handful of others. Need a list of convo topics so I don't embarrass myself. #
  • Whoever thought of the name for the Taco Bell "tortada" must be profoundly tortarded. #
  • playing email whack-a-mole. #
  • Holy crap. Air conditioning on my @unitedairlines plane is broken. 80 degrees on the Tarmac = 180 in this god forsaken winged oven. #
  • Great. Not only am I the only woman at the meeting – the gimmicky hotel put me on the "chick flick" themed floor. http://twitpic.com/1fuep1 #
  • yardwork done! Leaving for Costa Rica in about 9 hours… #
  • Limo comes at 3am for 5:30 flight. Probably don't need to get there 2 hrs early at that hour, but we're not taking chances. #rulefollower #
  • Good morning!?!!!? #
  • If you thought airline employees were grumpy in the middle of the day, you should see them at 4am. Don't they know we're going on vacation? #
  • I just unlocked the "JetSetter" badge on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/aTM88V #

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April 18, 2010 | Posted in: Miscellaneous | 1 Comment »

Who will be America’s Next Supreme Court Justice?

Opening: Electronic music plays over a montage of the contestants – they all wear judicial robes. The name and current job of each contestant pops up next to the photos, interspersed with words like “fierce,” “fresh,” and “fabulous.” The last photo is a group shot of 10 judges posing like models; all but three vanish from the photo. These are the final three.

Elena Kagan, U.S. Solicitor General, Former Dean of Harvard Law School
Kathleen Sullivan, Law Professor, Form Dean of Stanford Law School
Merrick Garland, U.S. Court of Appeals – Washington D.C. Circuit

The panel of judges – President Obama, Vice President Biden, Harry Reid and guest judge Kim Kardashian – sits at one end of the room. The three final contestants walk in and stand on the other end of the room.

BARACK OBAMA
Hello contestants. Of course you all know there is no “litmus test” for the highest court in the land, but if you want to be America’s Next Supreme Court Justice, you’ll have to show everyone that you know how to answer the tough questions. That’s why, in this week’s photo shoot, we challenged you to demonstrate your position on the controversial ruling of Roe Versus Wade.

Elena Kagan, you’re first.

Elena Kagan walks down the runway and approaches the judges’ table. Elena is played by a slightly overweight man in drag.

BARACK OBAMA
Elena… Are you ready to take a look at your photo?

ELENA KAGAN
Yes, Mr. President.

The photo shows Kagan, posed awkwardly with one arm out to the side, palm up, and the other hand on her forehead.

BARACK OBAMA
OK. I have to say, Elena… This is not your best photo.

JOE BIDEN
Oh man… I don’t know what you’re going for here. I mean, you clearly have some gender issues, but you do know what Roe v. Wade is, right?

KIM KARDASHIAN
I don’t know… I think I kind of like it. When I think of Roe versus Wade, this is exactly how I feel.

HARRY REID
I’m going to agree with Joe. It’s obvious from this picture that you have no judicial experience.

BARACK OBAMA
Let me just ask you a question, Elena. How do you feel about this shot?

ELENA KAGAN
I admit it didn’t really turn out how I’d hoped. I was trying to show the complicated nature of the ruling, but it just didn’t seem to come through.

BARACK OBAMA
When I looked at your film from this shoot, I saw a lot of good posing, but your face was just so self conscious. This just doesn’t have the “fabulosity” you’re going to need to be America’s Next Supreme Court Justice.

Kagan nods sheepishly.

BARACK OBAMA
OK… Next up is Kathleen Sullivan.

Sullivan approaches the judges table. Her mannerisms are scholarly, like a professor about to teach class.

BARACK OBAMA
Kathleen… Here’s your photo.

The photo shows Sullivan, hands on hips looking defiantly at the camera.

BARACK OBAMA
Woah! That’s just… You are just fierce in this photo.

HARRY REID
It’s very, almost… confrontational.

BARACK OBAMA
When I see something like this, it just reminds me of myself during the election, when I was just fighting for every vote. In this photo, you look fierce, just like I was. Don’t you guys think this is a very Obama-esque photo?

KATHLEEN SULLIVAN
The thrust of my argument here is towards a deeper understanding of the privacy issue surrounding Roe vs. Wade.

JOE BIDEN
Hah. Thrust… You do a lot of thrusting, do you?

KATHLEEN SULLIVAN
Excuse me?

JOE BIDEN
Well, you like the ladies, right? So who wears the pants, if you know what I mean?

KATHLEEN SULLIVAN
I don’t believe my sexuality is pertinent to the job, although I would be honored to be the first openly gay member of the Supreme Court.

JOE BIDEN
(laughing) OK, sweetie.

KIM KARDASHIAN
You know, you should try making a sex tape. That totally did wonders for my career.

BARACK OBAMA
Thank you, Kathleen. Merrick Garland. You’re next.

Garland approaches the judges table

BARACK OBAMA
Here’s your best photo.

The photo shows Garland sitting behind a judge’s desk, holding a gavel.

BARACK OBAMA
Wow. The gravitas in this photo… Merrick, you are the only one of the finalists to have served as a judge. It really shows through here.

KIM KARDASHIAN
(Flirting) Great photo…

HARRY REID
There’s just not much to say here. You really look the part.

BARACK OBAMA
One thing you need to work on is using your eyes to show emotion… For example, if I wanted to look like I was deep in thought, using just my eyes, I would do this:

(Obama’s face remains blank.)

OK? but here’s what you did:

(Obama’s face remains blank.)

Do you see the difference?

JOE BIDEN
I think it’s refreshing to see a man up here. I mean, why does everyone think America’s Next Supreme Court Justice has to be a woman or a Mexican or a gay? What’s wrong with a good old fashioned white protestant male?

MERRICK GARLAND
Actually, I’m Jewish.

JOE BIDEN
Jewish! You’re kidding! We already have two of those!

BARACK OBAMA
So. Now it’s time for us to deliberate. And, when I call you back… It will be time to announce… which one of you will be…

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT.

April 11, 2010 | Posted in: Miscellaneous | 1 Comment »

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-04-11

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| Posted in: Miscellaneous | Comments Closed

Scrabble

Two people sit at a table. (playing scrabble. Person 1 is placing letters on the board; person 2 is playing with an iPhone.)
Person 1:I. C. O. N. T. A. C. T. Ha. Triple word score. That’s 41 points. Write it down!
Person 2: i-contact? That’s not a word.
Person 1: Sure it is. I-contact is when the person you’re with is so busy looking at his iPhone that you punch him in the face.
(Person 1 punches person 2)
Blackout.

April 10, 2010 | Posted in: Miscellaneous | Comments Closed
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