So another way I am ruining my baby (besides formula feeding) is by following the “On Becoming Babywise” book. Parenting books are all, as far as I can tell, horrible, and this one is no exception. I also read “The Happiest Baby on the Block” and it is horrible in all the same ways that Babywise is. Both books could essentially be boiled down to 1500 word how-to articles, which would save everyone a lot of time.

The basic outline is to start out by telling you how the baby will change your life. Just flip past the first 3-5 chapters, trust me. Then, there are numerous “case studies” comparing babies who were raised using the book’s method to babies who were not. Invariably, these examples illustrate that following this particular book will produce a happy, healthy baby, while other methods will produce crying, whiny sociopaths and are tantamount to child abuse. About 2/3 of the way through is the actual meat of whatever method is being discussed, and then the conclusion just repeats everything one more time for people who have poor reading comprehension.

Obviously, most babies turn out to be happy and healthy, no matter what ridiculous parenting book or theory is used. For example, my parents used a method that was popular in their time, called “Put the baby in the corner and ignore it.” This worked pretty well for me (I am happy and healthy, and only a little neurotic), but I was looking for something a little more nurturing.

But also, most babies also turn out to be somewhat f-ed up adults, and there is nothing you can do about it. If you sleep in your parents’ bed until you’re 5, you’re going to be f-ed up in one way, and if your parents park you in a crib on the other side of the house, you will end up being f-ed up in another way. In this way, raising kids is both a win-win and a lose-lose proposition. On the one hand, there is nothing you can do to not mess up your kid. On the other hand, you have to really go out of your way to mess up your kid more than anyone else.

So back to Babywise. The Babywise method suggests getting your baby into a Feed-Wake-Sleep cycle as soon as possible. We achieved this in week 2. Mo’s cycles last 2-1/2 to 3 hours, and the only bad thing is that I occasionally do wake her up to eat after 3 hours during the day, which according to the “Put the baby in the corner and ignore it” method is extremely taboo. Needless to say, my mother does not approve. But, at three weeks, she is in a good routine, usually going 4 hours and 3-1/2 hours at night, so I can get close to 7 hours of sleep per night. Supposedly, she will begin sleeping through the night (7-ish hours) somewhere between week 6-8. We’ll see…

Babywise is controversial because of 2 types of people: People with poor reading comprehension and people who think women should not have any personal needs beyond nurturing a baby every minute of the day. I guess some babies have become dehydrated and failed to thrive because the first type of person reads Babywise and thinks that it says that you should only feed your baby every 3 hours, even if it’s hungry before then. Let me just say this: Yer doin’ it wrong.

The second type of person is a proponent of what is called “Attachment Parenting” which suggests that removing your baby from your nipples for even 10 minutes is child abuse. Interestingly, the Babywise authors suggest that Attachment Parenting is child abuse because it produces sleep-deprived, whiny babies. Can’t we all just agree not to call each other child abusers?

I didn’t actually get around to reading The Happiest Baby on the Block until after we discovered that swaddling the baby fixes everything. (Hard to read a book when your baby keeps CRYING.) Coincidentally, this book is a huge proponent of swaddling, so by the time I read it, I didn’t really need it anymore. There are 4 other recommendations for calming a fussy baby, but we didn’t need them so I won’t even waste your (my) time.

I’ve always said that I didn’t think I was cut out to be a stay at home mom, but I secretly thought that I could maybe kind of like it if I gave it a shot. After all, I have plenty of hobbies. I like to cook, garden, read… I’ve always wanted more time to write. I love watching tv. (This is the part where actual stay at home moms would probably punch me in the mouth and tell me that being a stay at home mom isn’t about your own hobbies, duh.)

Well, my 3 week old infant sleeps a lot, and this shit is BORING. During the day, she is awake for maybe 6-8 hours, during which time she just lays there, not requiring a lot of special effort. Sure, I talk to her. I show her things around the house. I set her on her belly and try to make it not so unbearable for her. I bounce her in the bouncy chair. Etcetera. But the rest of the time, she sleeps. And for some reason, I can’t actually get motivated to do ANYTHING.

I’m not even remotely interested in the royal wedding on Friday, but I think I’ve probably consumed around 60 hours of royal wedding coverage this week. And it’s only Wednesday. Is this what people do? I know my job isn’t the most thrilling thing in the world, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that it is better than the Nate Fucking Berkus Show. That show is The Worst.

I like to think this will get better maybe next week when the weather will be nicer and I can take Mo for a walk, or possibly do a little gardening (can I put the baby in her bouncy chair outside while I do this or will a coyote come and eat her? Maybe I’ll wait until she’s napping to do anything in the garden…) And if I can concentrate long enough to get a grocery list compiled before the weekend, I’ll be able to do some good cooking, too.

OR, I will go to my doctor’s appointment on Monday, take Mo to hers on Tuesday and spend the rest of the week being restless on the couch.

My mom came over this morning to “help out” with Mo so I could “run errands” or “get something done” or “rest.” Since my mom is retired, she has volunteered to come over one day a week to watch Mo, just like she spends one day a week helping out at my brother’s house with his twins. Well, Mo is not twins, and it was nice to have some company, but watching her is barely full-time work for one person, much less two people.

The house is pretty clean, I have no errands (like what? dry cleaning? manicure?), and I got 7 hours of sleep last night, so I don’t really need a nap. So in the end, my mom watched Mo for 4 hours, while I went out to buy shampoo, stopped at Starbucks, and then came home and cleaned out my closet. During that time, Mo did the following:

• ate for 30 minutes
• stared contentedly at different things in the room for 1 hour
• eyed my mom suspiciously for an hour
• slept for an hour
• ate for 30 more minutes

Grueling, I know.

I think the fact that I’m going back to work in 9 weeks makes me not quite so eager to get out of the house without her. Sure, sitting around the house is pretty boring, but come July I will probably be desperate to sit around with a sleeping baby and watch tv. Or not, who knows? Maybe I’ll be desperate to go back to work. I could see it going either way.

It was nice to hang out with my mom for a while, though. And she brought egg salad, so how can I complain?

How was your Easter, Internet? Ours was exhausting. Baby Mo met almost everyone I am even a little bit related to. Of course she was asleep for the majority of the introductions, but let’s face it, she’s not gonna remember it anyway, so she might as well sleep through it. Meeting a dozen new people makes me want to go to sleep, too. It’s too bad adulthood has made this fabulous coping mechanism socially unacceptable, otherwise I would pretty much sleep through every sales meeting I have ever had to go to.

Back to Easter! We had to get to my mom’s by 1 p.m. to skype with my aunt and cousins from Poland. We made it at exactly 1:07, which is pretty good for people with a 3-week old baby, right?

Note to Baby Mo: You were born in the future! We skype with our Polish relatives! When I was young, we sent a huge box of used clothes and as much cash as my parents could afford to our Polish relatives every Christmas, and that was it. The only interaction I had with them was the yearly photo they would send: a couple foreign looking kids in our old sweaters and corduroys. To me, the main effect of communism was that everyone was woefully out of style. But now you can see them over the Internet, even if Nana and Uncle Jaszek can’t always figure out the audio.

In addition to the futuristic video phoning, we visited (in person!) with some of my Canadian relatives. My uncle Bill drove down with my Aunt Irene/Diane, and my cousin Bill Jr. was there with his wife and 2 kids. FIVE Canadians! On top of that, the regular family was there, so that was 9 more people. Plus my brother, his wife and their two 4-month old boys. And obviously my mom and dad.

So if you want an idea of the level of anxiety my mom was experiencing yesterday, I think it was probably somewhere between mild hyperventilation and Fukushima. Unfortunately, Baby Mo didn’t sleep great the night before (and by that, I mean she slept about as well as an average newborn, but not as great as the amazing sleeping baby that she usually is), so I was just a little too tired to help out. Sixteen adults, 6 kids and 3 infants ain’t no big thing, right? OK, if I had been in charge of cooking, everyone would have eaten exactly 1 pierogi and washed it down with a cup of Diet Coke from a 2-liter bottle. Hershey Kisses for dessert! So in conclusion, my mom is amazing, even if she is sometimes amazing with a little touch of psychosis on top.

Since Mo (yeah, that’s what I’m calling her, so what?) had been regularly finishing off her 3-oz portions, I decided to up her meals to 4 ounces starting yesterday. She doesn’t always finish all 4 ounces – she stops at 3 ounces maybe half the time. But even with 4 ounces, she was hungry after about 2 to 2-1/2 hours. I guess it’s safe to say she got her dad’s appetite. (Because I certainly don’t eat too much…)

Sidenote: if I was still breastfeeding, the process of giving her an extra ounce would involve spending all day with a crying baby latched onto my bleeding nipples, so I think I am totally coming to terms with my decision to quit…

So anyway, she was awake yesterday for all of about 20 minutes, which I know I should take as a blessing (sleep!), but it was hard to not feel like I’m somehow cheating at this parenting thing. Other than filling her up with food and changing her diaper every couple hours, I don’t even have to do anything! I could just sit on the couch and watch soap operas or read the newspaper and she wouldn’t even notice. (When she’s my age will she even know what either of those things are?) I’m just hoping it was a growth spurt, and not some kind of traumatic brain injury. She’s been awake for a few hours today, though, so it seems like it was just temporary. Also, she is 3 feet tall now and 60 pounds, so, yeah, probably a growth spurt. (I lie!)

Just over two weeks, as it turns out. Decided last night to abandon the breastfeeding, due to a number of issues including: time, bloody nipples, questionable weight gain, low production, bloody nipples, fever, chills, pain, bloody nipples causing baby to spit up blood, bloody nipples.

I am so wracked with guilt, but the baby seems so much happier after having a bottle, and I don’t have to fight with her to try to get her to latch correctly, and I don’t have to worry that she’s not getting enough food or that she’s spitting up blood. Spitting. Up. Blood. Terrifying.

But seriously, the guilt is overwhelming. I am ok with my baby ingesting all kinds of weird shit they put in formula because I can’t man up about some bloody nipples? The breaking point was last night when I (apparently) came down with a mild case of mastitis. I noticed she was crabby all day, and then by the end of the day I had fever, chills and body aches. It finally dawned on me that she hadn’t been getting enough food all day long, and I felt so crappy that I felt like I couldn’t adequately take care of her. So guilt all around, I guess.

On the bright side, on Saturday, my mom babysat for a few hours while Jay and I went out for sushi and beer, and while we were gone, my mom introduced the Baby to the wonders of swaddling. This is totally a lifesaver, because the Baby can’t seem to control her arm movements (silly baby), and the more tired she gets, the more she flails, and the more she flails the more she screams. So now we just straightjacket her and she is good to go for 5 or more hours. I’m actually having to wake her up for her feedings, because when she’s swaddled, she will gladly sleep right through. Man, babies can be pretty dumb sometimes.