These 8 a.m. meetings are TOTALLY interfering with the comedy writing class that I’m taking for fun. I’ll have to have a little talk with my boss.

• Comcast announced that it is rebranding itself as “Xfinity.”The term refers to the amount of time you will spend on hold the next time your cable goes out.
• New York Governor David Patterson refused to drop out of the state’s gubernatorial election, saying that the only way he would leave office is “in a box.” And he will only get in that box if it also contains 2 hookers and a kilo of coke.
• Seattle transit authorities plan to revise their security policies after three security guards observed a teenage girl getting beaten by three men. In the future, instead of mandating that guards just “observe and report” such incidents, the policy will now also mandate that they run away screaming.
• The House of Representatives canceled all votes this week due to two large snowstorms hitting the Washington DC area. That one decision represents the most progress the House has made on anything in months.
• A small earthquake hit just outside Chicago on Wednesday morning.Mayor Daley promptly added it to the city payroll.

• Doctor Conrad Murray plead not-guilty to charges of involuntary manslaughter for providing the powerful anesthetic that killed Michael Jackson. He said he *thought* he was murdering some crazy white woman with no nose and a pet monkey. Ugh. Nope.
• Leaders from several Great Lakes states met with government agencies this week to discuss a plan that would block Asian carp from invading the Great Lakes. The group decided to ban Toyotas from the Great Lakes region, before realizing that they were supposed to be working on the Asian CARP problem, not the Asian CRAP problem. blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
• Michigan’s Attorney General complained that the federal government is not doing enough to protect the great lakes from an Asian carp invasion, saying “President Obama proved today that he’ll do anything to protect the narrow interests of his home state of Illinois, even if it means destroying Michigan’s economy.” President Obama countered that Michigan has no economy left to destroy. Thinking about making this into a longer interview piece, but nobody actually cares about Asian Carp, right?
• The world’s tallest building, Dubai’s Burj Khalifa, closed its observation deck only a month after the building’s high-profile opening. Dubai officials apologized for closing the tower prematurely, assuring visitors that this has never happened to them before, and that they are just really stressed out about the economy.
• IndyCar driver Danica Patrick is making her NASCAR debut at the Daytona 500 this week.

What is the point of cheering for a team that isn’t the Bears if they are still going to lose? Serves me right, I guess.

• The space shuttle Endeavor launched on Monday morning, carrying five men and one woman to the international space station.
• The makers of the war-themed video game “Call of Duty” have set up a not-for-profit organization to help veterans.The charity is expected to provide the veterans with XBox consoles, so they can at least play video games while they are stuck inside with crippling PTSD.
• The New Orleans Saints beat the Indianapolis Colts in the Superbowl on Sunday.The resulting celebration is being called the Long Island Iced Tea Party. (Crazier than a teabagger on tax day?)(More debauchery than the cast of Jersey Shore in a hottub?)

• The first ever Tea Party convention took place in Nashville this week. Nearly 600 tea-baggers gathered to express their anger at Democrats and Rebublicans alike.
• The east coast braced for a major winter storm on Friday, expected to dump up to 2 feet of snow in the mid-atlantic region. In contrast, Tennessee braced for as much as 5 feet of bullshit as the first-ever Tea Party convention took place in Nashville.
• Senators are struggling to put together a jobs bill, leaving out any controversial measures so the bill can be passed more quickly. So basically, the bipartisan bill will include a couple of tax credits, a Wendy’s job application, and some off color doodles of Harry Reid with his head up his ass.

Update 10:42 p.m.This sucks. Going to bed.

• President Obama’s budget calls for cutting millions of dollars from a proposed virtual fence along the Mexican border. As a result, Texas and Arizona are preparing for an influx of virtual immigrants sneaking over the border carrying holographic cocaine.
• Iran announced on Wednesday that it had launched a menagerie of animals – including a mouse, two turtles and worms – into space. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claimed the event proved that Iran could defeat the west in technology. (hmmm… I might turn this into a commentary in the voice of Ahmadinejad.)
• Motivational speaker James Arthur Ray was arrested on Wednesday on three counts of manslaughter for sweatlodge-related deaths that occured last year.
• When the Today Show moves on location to the Vancouver Olympics, it will air at 4 am local time, meaning that athletes who want to appear on the show will have to make the trip in the middle of the night.
• Wayne Newton asked Virginia lawmakers to grant official recognition to his Indian Tribe.

Update 9:33 p.m. Got these done in record time. I only need 1 per day, but the first one is usually the dumbest, so I kept going. What can I say, I’m an overachiever. Or a loser with nothing better to do than spend 2 hours a day writing jokes for nobody in particular? Meh. Same diff.

My excuse for yesterday is that I had to catch up on 2 weeks of “24″ and it’s hard to think of punchlines after watching probably the most humorless show on tv. I am way more optimistic about this set of headlines.

• Presidential Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel apologized for using the word “retarded” to describe liberal activists who were planning to run ads against fellow Democrats. What he actually meant is that they are totally gay.
• According to a recent report, Americans are turning away from top shelf liquor in favor of lower priced brands, because of the recession. When asked for comment, Mariah Carey remarked, “more for me, bitches.”
• The Nigerian man accused of trying to use a bomb hidden in his underwear to blow up an airplane on Christmas day has been cooperating with investigators, officials said. Investigators got him to talk by threatening to drive him around in a Toyota.
• Oscar nominations were announced on Tuesday, and the best picture category was expanded to include 10 nominees.
• On Monday, stars including Barbra Streisand, Lil Wayne, Miley Cyrus and Vince Vaughn gathered to record a new version of “We Are the World” to benefit relief in Haiti. So it looks like President Obama’s Jobs plan is already helping hundreds of unemployed losers.

11:10 p.m. Update: I’m not gonna lie; I don’t feel like doing this tonight.

Good news: I only have to write 1 joke a day this week.
Bad news: I also have to write 2 “commentaries.”
Stay tuned!

• The 7th Annual Lingerie Bowl will be shown online during the halftime of the Superbowl. Brett Favre has signed on to play, but *then* he’s going to retire.
• Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ocho Cinco will be covering the Superbowl for his so-called Ocho Cinco News Network, sponsored by Motorola.




• Valentines Day spending is expected to drop this year, to $63.34 per person – down from $67.22 last year.
• This week Anheuser-Busch launches its 55 calorie beer, billed as “world’s lightest beer.”Rumor has it that the beer’s spokesman is going to be the newly renamed Chad Cinco Cinco.
• A new survey finds that 27 percent of workers described their workplace as “too hot” while 19 percent said their office is “too cold.”However, a full 95% of workers agreed that the old lady who complains about the temperature every day needs to learn how to get over it.

• Celebrity Birthday: Oprah Winfrey turns 56 today. She celebrated by adopting two new springer spaniel puppies to go with the three she already had. She wanted to adopt a couple of those Jolie-Pitt kids, but Maddox and Zahara kept making Stedman cry.
• Celebrity Birthday: Dick Cheney’s birthday was this weekend. He turned 69…Unfortunately, the party turned ugly when Scott Brown jumped out of the giant birthday cake, and Cheney shot him in the face.
• President Obama visited the House Republican Retreat in Baltimore this week to answer questions and address concerns about the issues facing the country.

Sat. 1/30, 10:20 a.m.: Well, so much for Friday night headlines. I am about to meet up with L. for some craaaazy fun bridesmaid dress shopping, but maybe I can squeeze in a couple more pathetic attempts at punchlines.

Sat. 1/30, 10:51 a.m.: I think these are particularly bad today. Sorry.

Bonus fact: We get 3 newspapers a day (4 on Sundays!) because Jay hates trees. Or something like that. Most of these stories are from the Sun Times, though. I like the tabloid size because its easier to read with a cup of coffee in one hand.

• The Defense Department next week will propose for the first time a “way forward” on lifting the military’s ban on gays from serving openly.”Well, I think it’s about time. Maybe if they can serve in the military they’ll finally stop sleeping with Republican politicians.
• A 12 year old boy and a 13 year old girl from Indiana will both be charged with possession of child pornography after getting caught sending naked cell phone pictures to each other.The two will also have to appear on the new VH1 show, Text Rehab with Bristol Palin.
• A 15,000 square foot warehouse dedicated to medicinal marijuana is about to open in Oakland. The one-stop shop for medicinal-marijuana cultivation is being called the Walmart of Weed.Instead of “look out for falling prices,” the store’s slogan will be “look out for Woody Harrelson.”
• Jay Leno went on the Oprah Winfrey show on Thursday to talk about the big late night mess over at NBC. He said he was devastated and that he felt really bad for Conan O’Brien. (ugh. I think I’m over this.)
• The Grammy’s are on this weekend…Yes, the recording academy plans to award “Album of the Year” to Beyonce, but the Republicans are expected to filibuster.

Update 9:48 p.m. Everything was reruns today, so I added 2 more.

It’s Thursday! That means I’ll be spending most of the night watching tv! So, I’m scaling it back today! Here are three headlines!

• In his state of the union address on Wednesday, President Obama admitted that change has not come fast enough, and that it’s time to get serious about fixing the country’s problems.He went on to describe his plan for getting Conan to sign with Fox.
• During the address, Obama made some controversial statement’s about the supreme’s court’s recent ruling on campaign finance law. While Obama was speaking, Justice Samuel Alito was seen making a dismissive face, shaking his head and mouthing the words “not true.”As you may know, a reaction like that is virtually unheard of in the history of the state of the union address. Well, at least since that time Clarence Thomas fell asleep during one of Clinton’s speeches and woke up shouting, “Can’t touch this!”
• Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled the company’s new tablet computer on Wednesday, calling it the “iPad.” They’re saying this thing can pretty much do anything. Rumor has it can even fix global warming. Or, at least that’s what Al Gore said when he invented it.

And now two last-minute additions:

• Legendary author J.D. Salinger died today…In honor of his legacy, high school students across the country said “huh? Who’s J.D. Salinger?”
• People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals this week called for the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club to replace the world-famous Punxsutawney Phil with an animatronic groundhog.If it sees its shadow, we’ve still got 6 more weeks until the robot apocolypse.