Gossip Girl: Kenosha

Gossip Girl: Kenosha

Intro: Same audio as the regular Gossip Girl, but instead of the photo of Manhattan at night, there’s a photo of Main Street, Kenosha. Music, with whispering.

In red letters, the word “KENOSHA” is rubber stamped on top of the Gossip Girl logo.

Interior – a homey kitchen. The mother is chopping vegetables. A sullen looking teenager in overly stylized gossip-girl clothes and too much makeup sits at the kitchen table. A teenage girl (Sarah) in jeans and a t-shirt walks in the back door.

SARAH
Hi Mom.

MOM
Hi Sarah! I hope you had a nice day at school, dear. Look who’s here to visit – it’s your cousin Jenny Humphrey from Manhattan! She was just telling me about all her exciting adventures on the Upper East Side.

DAUGHTER
Oh, wow! I can’t wait to hear about it. New York is so glamorous! So what brings you to good old Kenosha, Wisconsin?

JENNY
Yeah, well, I was totally the Queen Bee at the elite Constance Billard Private School, despite my slightly rough background as the daughter of a successful 90’s rock musician. With my edgy style and ambitious attitude I took the Upper East Side by storm. That is, until a local gossip blog broke a story about me dating a drug dealer, and that’s when my dad sent me here.

MOM
Jenny is going to stay with us for a few months until she goes off to college in the Fall.

SARAH
Don’t worry, Jenny, I’ll show you the ropes. I bet Manhattan isn’t that much different than life here in Kenosha Wisconsin!

(whispering to Jenny) I have cigarettes!

Cut to a high school hallway. Lockers line the hallway. Two boys are talking to each other.

BILLY
Hey, did you see the new girl?

JIMMY
Yeah, she’s totally hot.

BILLY
Yeah, I guess so. She kind of dresses like a drag queen, though.

Sarah and Jenny approach. Jenny looks out of place, dressed in super trendy clothes with dark, thick eyeliner, compared to the jeans and t-shirts of the more average looking high school kids.

SARAH
So this is my locker, and these two blockheads are Billy and Jimmy. Due to the alphabetical misfortune of being born with a last name that starts with M, I am fated to be plagued by these two until graduation. Or until one or both flunk out of school.

She sticks her tongue out at them, they mimic her and walk away, laughing.

JENNY
You know, when I was having trouble with some people at school, what I did was stop going to school, start my own fashion line and live in an apartment with models until I could humiliate my rivals in a social coup and return to my place as queen bee.

SARAH
Oh, uh… Thanks for the advice. I know! I’ll plant this marijuana in their lockers… They’ll get suspended for sure.

Cut to exterior, nighttime. Jenny and Sarah are sitting on hay bales in a grassy field, sipping out of plastic solo cups.

SARAH
I know Kenosha isn’t shaping up to be as exciting as you’d hoped. But Melissa throws the best keg parties. We always hide the keg in the trees behind where the bonfire is, and her parents never come out to bother us.

Jenny
I don’t normally drink beer.

Two other girls approach.

GIRL 1
Hey Sarah. Hi Jenny. This is such a cool party, right?

GIRL 2
What are your keg parties like in Manhattan, Jenny?

JENNY
Um, we don’t really have keg parties in Manhattan. Usually we just hit a couple clubs, and then at the afterparty is when it really gets crazy.

SARAH
Hey – wanna go do a kegstand?

JENNY
(resigned to the situation) Sure, why not?

Red and blue police lights flash, everyone scatters as the police bust up the party. Cut to the interior of a car. The mom is driving.

MOM
I cannot BELIEVE you girls would get into this kind of trouble. Jenny – I don’t know what you do in Manhattan, but here in Kenosha, 17 year olds do not go to keg parties. I’m ashamed of you both.

SARAH
Yeah, Mom. I just wanted to go to the library, but Jenny said the library is boring, so she invited me to this New York style party at Melissa’s house. She said that all the kids on the Upper East Side do keg stands.

MOM
Well, that’s it. Jenny – First thing in the morning, you are packing up your things and going back to New York. We can’t have you setting a bad example for Sarah.

Jenny rolls her eyes. Gossip Girl’s voiceover:

NARRATOR
Looks like Jenny’s heart just wasn’t in the heartland. But can a big apple grow in Kenosha? Wisconsin might not have seen the last of Jenny Humphrey. Until next time, you know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Girl.

May 2, 2010 | Posted in: Miscellaneous | Comments Closed

A new nightmare

NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
Two girls and two guys are in a living room with a couch and two recliners. Guy 1 sits in one of the recliners. Guy 2 and both girls sit on the couch.

GIRL 1
Hey guys, this movie night was a great idea!

GUY 1
Yeah, 12 straight hours of Nightmare on Elm Street. I totally can’t wait.

The group sits down and someone hits play on the remote control. Cut to close ups of each person’s face. Guy 1 is excited, Girl 1 looks scared, Guy 2 laughs and eats popcorn, Girl 2 rests her head on Guy 2’s shoulder and starts to fall asleep.

Girl 2 wakes up startled. The lights have dimmed, and a metallic noise is heard. A spotlight shines on a nearby recliner. Freddy Krueger sits with his feet up, a newspaper in his lap. Girl 2 looks scared. Freddy makes snipping motions at the newspaper and holds up a coupon.

FREDDY
(ghoulishly)
Looks like ground beef is on sale this week…

Cut to Girl 2, who looks even more terrified. Cut back to Freddy, who has made paper dolls out of the newspaper.

Suddenly the lights go up, and the camera cuts back to a wide shot of the group of kids. The other three are calmly watching the movie as before. Girl 2 two looks around, confused, and shakes it off as a dream.

GIRL 2
I must have dozed off… I had the weirdest dream about Freddy Krueger.

GUY 2
Seriously? The movie has barely even started. You need to man up.

They go back to watching the movie, but now Girl 1 is falling asleep. Suddenly, she opens her eyes, and the room is dark. A spotlight shines next to her, and Freddy Krueger is leaning over, with his bladed hand in her face.

FREDDY
Well, well, well… What’s this?

GIRL 1
What… What do you want from me?

FREDDY
Looks like you have a loose thread.

Freddy pulls a thread from near her neck and carefully snips it off with a loud metallic cutting sound. He lightly throws the thread on the ground.

FREDDY
There you go…

Girl 1 starts screaming. The lights go up, and her friends stare at her, confused.

GUY 1
What the…?

GIRL 1
I fell asleep, and Freddy was here!

Girl 2 also looks scared, but the two guys laugh.

GUY 1
Come ON. You girls are such a bunch of girls.

GUY 2
Yeah, geez. Grow a pair, will you? We’re just getting to the good part.

They go back to watching the movie. Now, Guy 1 starts to fall asleep. He wakes up, and again the lights dim. A spotlight shines on Freddy, who is standing just behind the chair that Guy 1 is sitting in, examining the back of Guy 1’s head. He touches the back of his neck with a bladed finger. Guy 1 feels something on his neck and brushes it away. He turns around and is face to face with Freddy.

FREDDY
You could use a haircut, son. You look like a girl.

Freddy pulls Guy 1 out of the chair and behind the couch to the floor. Sounds of fighting and screaming, then the lights come up again. Guy 1 peaks out from behind the couch. The group laughs at him.

GIRL 1
Now who needs to grow a pair?

GUY 2
Dude… what happened to your hair?

Guy 1’s hair is now cut short.

GUY 1
Oh my god you guys, Freddy is here!

The lights dim, and they all scream. A loud metallic noise can be heard coming from the next room. The group stares at the door, afraid of what’s on the other side. The door opens and the lights come up, revealing Freddy coming out of the kitchen in an apron, with a large bowl in his hands.

FREDDY
Hey kids! Sorry if I woke you. I was just finishing up a fruit salad.

He holds out the large bowl of chopped fruit. The group exchanges shocked/confused looks, and Girl 1 takes the bowl and sets it on the table. Guy 2 takes a piece of fruit and pops it in his mouth.

GIRL 1
Oh, uh, thanks Freddy…

GUY 1
Hey, man, thanks. This is a really good fruit salad!

FREDDY
Hey, no problem. By the way – nice haircut. Makes you look a lot more masculine.

Guy 1 shrugs, they all laugh and continue watching the movie.

Suddenly, the front door bursts open. Michael Meyers stands menacingly in the doorway. They all scream and flee. Michael Meyers looks around, shrugs and sits down to watch the movie, with the bowl of fruit salad in his lap.

| Posted in: Miscellaneous | 1 Comment »

Distasteful

COMMERCIAL PARODY 2 (Stage)

A man in khaki pants and a blue polo shirt stands at a countertop. Ingredients and a blender are displayed neatly in bowls, like a cooking show.

Hi! I’m Willie Hayes, and I’m here to tell you about a new device that will revolutionize the way you work in the kitchen.

Are you tired of traditional blenders, with their dangerous blades, confusing buttons and complicated lid systems?

He holds up the pitcher of a blender and tries unsuccessfully to put the lid on it.

Now there’s a better way! Take a look at Mr. Blender, the quickest, easiest way to blend, grind and/or chop your food.

A man walks on stage and positions himself behind the counter. His t-shirt says “Mr. Blender.”

Want a strawberry banana smoothie? NO PROBLEM. Mr. Blender is on the job! You don’t even need to peel the banana. Just place the strawberries, banana and a little frozen yogurt in front of Mr. Blender, and watch the magic happen.

He places all the ingredients in a large bowl in front of Mr. Blender. Mr. Blender mashes everything together with his hands and scoops it into a glass. Will Hayes takes a sip with a straw.

DELICIOUS!

(continued?)

But that’s not all!

More than just a blender, Mr. Blender also chops and grinds. Homemade peanut butter is a great healthy alternative to store-bought brands with their additives and preservatives. But chopping peanuts by hand is hard work! That’s where Mr. Blender comes in.

Just feed the peanuts into Mr. Blender’s grinding compartment and in just a few seconds…

He dumps half a cup of peanuts into Mr. Blender’s mouth. Mr. Blender chews the peanuts.

Mr. Blender chops and grinds the peanuts to the exact consistency you want.

He holds a cup up to Mr. Blender’s mouth. Mr. Blender spits the chewed up peanuts into the cup.

Wonderful!

Spreading the chewed-up peanuts onto a slice of bread:

So, if you’re tired of complicated traditional blenders, Mr. Blender can help! Call now to reserve yours today!

He takes a bite of the sandwich.

DELICIOUS!

April 27, 2010 | Posted in: Miscellaneous | Comments Closed

The worst part of waking up is seeing this commercial

COMMERCIAL PARODY 1 (Filmed)

Father is making coffee. Daughter comes downstairs in a robe and sits down at the kitchen table.

FATHER
You were out late last night.

DAUGHTER
Oh, Dad. I’m not a little girl anymore.

FATHER
I know. But still, it was late.

DAUGHTER
Well, you aren’t going to have to worry about that anymore.

(cut to engagement ring on daughter’s finger, then cut to father smiling.)

ANNOUNCER
For overbearing fathers, whose adult daughters can’t take care of themselves, Oldgers coffee has been reinforcing traditional gender stereotypes for generations.

Cut to sepia-toned old timey dad, daughter and man, dressed as pioneers. The man has 2 goats. All three are drinking coffee.

DAD
My daughter is not very smart, but she has a strong back. With these two goats and some Oldgers coffee, she will make you a happy man.

All three look at the camera and smile. The daughter hugs her new husband.

Cut to an old couple sitting on rocking chairs on a large front porch of a house surrounded by a wheat field.

ANNOUNCER
Oldgers coffee is the coffee of choice for traditionalists, moralists and sentimentalists around the world…

Cut to black and white scene of a man sitting at a table, reading a newspaper. Woman (pregnant, but wearing pearls and high heels) is cooking breakfast in the kitchen.

HUSBAND
Well, I’ll be! This coffee is actually good. You finally learned how to make something that doesn’t make me sick to my stomach!

WIFE
Oh, I’m still a horrible cook, dear. But now that I’ve found Oldgers Coffee, I can spend less time trying to make you a tasty cup of coffee, and more time vacuuming the house in high heels…

They both turn to the camera and smile.

(Musical interlude, with a collage of photographs from various middle class vignettes)
Jingle: The best part of waking up… is living in the past.

Cut back to the first man and daughter.

DAUGHTER
I’m so happy to have found another man to keep me under control.

DAD
He’s a lucky man… At least that’s what I told him when we talked last week.

Flashback to a week earlier. Dad shakes man’s hand and gives him 2 goats.

Fade out.

| Posted in: Miscellaneous | Comments Closed

Who will be America’s Next Supreme Court Justice?

Opening: Electronic music plays over a montage of the contestants – they all wear judicial robes. The name and current job of each contestant pops up next to the photos, interspersed with words like “fierce,” “fresh,” and “fabulous.” The last photo is a group shot of 10 judges posing like models; all but three vanish from the photo. These are the final three.

Elena Kagan, U.S. Solicitor General, Former Dean of Harvard Law School
Kathleen Sullivan, Law Professor, Form Dean of Stanford Law School
Merrick Garland, U.S. Court of Appeals – Washington D.C. Circuit

The panel of judges – President Obama, Vice President Biden, Harry Reid and guest judge Kim Kardashian – sits at one end of the room. The three final contestants walk in and stand on the other end of the room.

BARACK OBAMA
Hello contestants. Of course you all know there is no “litmus test” for the highest court in the land, but if you want to be America’s Next Supreme Court Justice, you’ll have to show everyone that you know how to answer the tough questions. That’s why, in this week’s photo shoot, we challenged you to demonstrate your position on the controversial ruling of Roe Versus Wade.

Elena Kagan, you’re first.

Elena Kagan walks down the runway and approaches the judges’ table. Elena is played by a slightly overweight man in drag.

BARACK OBAMA
Elena… Are you ready to take a look at your photo?

ELENA KAGAN
Yes, Mr. President.

The photo shows Kagan, posed awkwardly with one arm out to the side, palm up, and the other hand on her forehead.

BARACK OBAMA
OK. I have to say, Elena… This is not your best photo.

JOE BIDEN
Oh man… I don’t know what you’re going for here. I mean, you clearly have some gender issues, but you do know what Roe v. Wade is, right?

KIM KARDASHIAN
I don’t know… I think I kind of like it. When I think of Roe versus Wade, this is exactly how I feel.

HARRY REID
I’m going to agree with Joe. It’s obvious from this picture that you have no judicial experience.

BARACK OBAMA
Let me just ask you a question, Elena. How do you feel about this shot?

ELENA KAGAN
I admit it didn’t really turn out how I’d hoped. I was trying to show the complicated nature of the ruling, but it just didn’t seem to come through.

BARACK OBAMA
When I looked at your film from this shoot, I saw a lot of good posing, but your face was just so self conscious. This just doesn’t have the “fabulosity” you’re going to need to be America’s Next Supreme Court Justice.

Kagan nods sheepishly.

BARACK OBAMA
OK… Next up is Kathleen Sullivan.

Sullivan approaches the judges table. Her mannerisms are scholarly, like a professor about to teach class.

BARACK OBAMA
Kathleen… Here’s your photo.

The photo shows Sullivan, hands on hips looking defiantly at the camera.

BARACK OBAMA
Woah! That’s just… You are just fierce in this photo.

HARRY REID
It’s very, almost… confrontational.

BARACK OBAMA
When I see something like this, it just reminds me of myself during the election, when I was just fighting for every vote. In this photo, you look fierce, just like I was. Don’t you guys think this is a very Obama-esque photo?

KATHLEEN SULLIVAN
The thrust of my argument here is towards a deeper understanding of the privacy issue surrounding Roe vs. Wade.

JOE BIDEN
Hah. Thrust… You do a lot of thrusting, do you?

KATHLEEN SULLIVAN
Excuse me?

JOE BIDEN
Well, you like the ladies, right? So who wears the pants, if you know what I mean?

KATHLEEN SULLIVAN
I don’t believe my sexuality is pertinent to the job, although I would be honored to be the first openly gay member of the Supreme Court.

JOE BIDEN
(laughing) OK, sweetie.

KIM KARDASHIAN
You know, you should try making a sex tape. That totally did wonders for my career.

BARACK OBAMA
Thank you, Kathleen. Merrick Garland. You’re next.

Garland approaches the judges table

BARACK OBAMA
Here’s your best photo.

The photo shows Garland sitting behind a judge’s desk, holding a gavel.

BARACK OBAMA
Wow. The gravitas in this photo… Merrick, you are the only one of the finalists to have served as a judge. It really shows through here.

KIM KARDASHIAN
(Flirting) Great photo…

HARRY REID
There’s just not much to say here. You really look the part.

BARACK OBAMA
One thing you need to work on is using your eyes to show emotion… For example, if I wanted to look like I was deep in thought, using just my eyes, I would do this:

(Obama’s face remains blank.)

OK? but here’s what you did:

(Obama’s face remains blank.)

Do you see the difference?

JOE BIDEN
I think it’s refreshing to see a man up here. I mean, why does everyone think America’s Next Supreme Court Justice has to be a woman or a Mexican or a gay? What’s wrong with a good old fashioned white protestant male?

MERRICK GARLAND
Actually, I’m Jewish.

JOE BIDEN
Jewish! You’re kidding! We already have two of those!

BARACK OBAMA
So. Now it’s time for us to deliberate. And, when I call you back… It will be time to announce… which one of you will be…

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT.

April 11, 2010 | Posted in: Miscellaneous | 1 Comment »