MILTON
Hey, guys! It’s, me, Milton Heisburger! Remember me? So good to see you guys! Soo… How’s life been treating you?

GUY 1
Pretty good, you know… We’re all doing really well.

MILTON
Great. Yeah, me too. You know, when I was promoted to partner at the law firm, I thought, ‘I wish the guys could see me now.’

GUY 2
Hey Milton, Didn’t I make you eat worms once?

GUY 3
Ha! Yeah, and remember that one time I spit in your mouth?

The three guys start to push Milton around and taunt him.

GUY 1
Yeah, do you still like to eat spit?

Guy 1 takes an appetizer from one of the waiters walking by, licks it and tries to shove it in Milton’s mouth as Guy 2 and Guy 3 hold him down. They are interrupted by Ms. Smythe.

MS. SMYTHE
Boys, boys, boys! That’s enough! Come on, now. Let’s act like adults.

A creepy guy walks up to them in a stained polo shirt and khaki pants.

CREEPY GUY
Hey guys…

MILTON, GUY 1, GUY 2, GUY 3
Hey Paul.

Creepy Guy takes the licked appetizer and eats it. They all wince and groan.

CREEPY GUY
Hey… does anyone have any paste? That woulda been GREAT with some paste…

They all look disgusted.

Cut to three women standing at the bar. They are all well dressed, with perfect hair and makeup.

WOMAN 1
So… after I got my MBA from Harvard Business School, I spent a few years as a vice president at GE, and now I’m a stay at home mom.

WOMAN 2
That’s so great! I’m also a stay at home mom with an ivy league degree!

WOMAN 3
Well, I’ll tell you… Even though I owe half a million in student loan debt, I wouldn’t trade my little Alison for anything… Well… do you think I could get a hundred grand for her?

Uncomfortable silence…

WOMAN 1
Tequila shots?

They all agree and do shots. A man approaches, flirtatiously.

FLIRTY MAN
Ladies! Well hello there, Ladies!

WOMEN
(rolling their eyes) Hi, Jacob.

FLIRTY MAN
My, don’t you ladies look radiant this evening! Why, I’d say you haven’t aged a day since I saw you last, but you are so much more beautiful than a 4 year old.

WOMAN 2
(A little tipsy) Oh, Jacob! You always were the ladies man! I remember when you used to chase us around the playground, trying to kiss us and look up our skirts…

As she is talking, the man tries to lift up her skirt… She slaps him away.

WOMAN 3
Yeah, my mom got so mad that one time when she caught us playing doctor! I was grounded for a week! Those were fun times…

As Woman 3 is talking, the man sneaks up to her and kisses her on the cheek. They all panic, scream and run in circles, as the man gives chase.

WOMAN 3
Oh my god, Cooties!

Cut to twins Laura and Larry, dressed similarly, with Larry in slightly effeminate clothes (but not over the top). Ms. Smythe approaches them.

MS. SMYTHE
Well, look at this! If it isn’t the Christianson twins, Laura and Larry… Looks like you two are still close.

LAURA
(dryly) Ha. About as close as a proton and an electron after nuclear fission.

LARRY
Yeah, pretty much as close as Emily Dickinson and her brother Austin after he shamed their family by taking a mistress.

LAURA
We have nothing in common. I have a PhD in Physics from MIT, and he studied poetry at NYU.

MS. SMYTHE
Well, it seems like you have the same taste in clothes…

LARRY
Well, of course we have the same taste in clothes. We shared a womb, you know! Gosh, why do you have to constantly victimize me?

LAURA
(protective of her brother) Do not even think of insulting my brother’s clothes, because I will go nuclear on your ass.

There is awkwardness for a moment, but then the creepy guy approaches, eating from a large jar of paste.

CREEPY GUY
I figured they wouldn’t have paste here, so I brought my own.

He walks away, happily.

MS. SMYTHE
I’m afraid Paul never really adjusted to life after his parents’ divorce.

LAURA
Yeah, he seems a bit off.

LARRY
What does he do now?

MS. SMYTHE
Oh, Paul? He’s a congressman.

Blackout.

Married Woman
(to the other woman) Oooh was that your daughter up there?

WOMAN
Yes. She was a little nervous, but she was soooo excited to put on her little tutu for her first dance recital.

MARRIED WOMAN
Well she did GREAT. Our daughter Jamie is 12. She’s been doing these things for so long, she’s like a pro.

WOMAN
I’m sure she’ll do great. Hey – you know I heard the local newspaper is sending a theater critic to cover the recital… I wonder where he’s sitting?

Stefon enters, wearing vinyl pants and a tight graphic t-shirt. He has to climb over Julia to get to his seat.

STEFON
Excuse me… Theater critic… Excuse me… Hiiii.

WOMAN
(Slightly confused, a little uncomfortable) Hi.

STEFON
Wow, this space is great! It reminds me of New York’s hottest club: CHEEKS. Where club promoter Bitch McCockle has thought of everything: Strobe lights, assless chaps, dogs wearing tiny fireman hats, paste-eating loners, sock people.

WOMAN
Sock people?

STEFON
You know, it’s that thing when it looks like you have a sock over your head, but there’s holes cut out for your eyes, and it ends just below your mouth, so your breath kind of condenses on the wool?

WOMAN
Seriously. I have no idea what you’re talking about.

MARRIED WOMAN
Sshhh… They’re about to start!

The lights dim a little, and piano music starts to play. Stefon is overjoyed.

STEFON
Oh my god! The costumes! It’s like something straight out of New York’s hottest club: STACHE. And they have thought of everything! Sequins, feathers, little girls with uncle fester makeup, big-eyed mole people, horror-funk music.

WOMAN
What’s horror-funk music?

STEFON
You know, it’s like a psycho in the woods at night beside a still, still lake, and all you can hear is crickets alongside the distant tear of the chainsaw through sweaty adolescent flesh.

MARRIED WOMAN
Do you mind being quiet? My daughter is up there….

STEFON
(Trying to contain himself) Mhmmmm…

He dances in his seat to the piano music from the recital.

MARRIED MAN
Hey buddy… Come on! I’m trying to take video.

STEFON
Oh yes! You must get this on video. The dancing reminds me of New York’s hottest club: OONTZ. Ten year old Berlin club promoter Liesl von Stubenheimer is BACK! And this time he’s gone all out: go-go cages, clown core music, Siamese twins that look like Ann Coulter, Wizard of Oz People…

MARRIED MAN
Dude, that sounds like something a delirious gay man might hallucinate at Disney on Ice.

The music ends. The lights come up, and everyone applauds.

STEFON
That was fabulous.

MARRIED MAN
Hey, you know what would be fabulous? Dessert at Baker’s Square. They have everything: Pie, adult contemporary muzak, no-nonsense waitresses, paper napkins….

STEFON
Ooooh!

They all get up and leave.