MILTON
Hey, guys! It’s, me, Milton Heisburger! Remember me? So good to see you guys! Soo… How’s life been treating you?

GUY 1
Pretty good, you know… We’re all doing really well.

MILTON
Great. Yeah, me too. You know, when I was promoted to partner at the law firm, I thought, ‘I wish the guys could see me now.’

GUY 2
Hey Milton, Didn’t I make you eat worms once?

GUY 3
Ha! Yeah, and remember that one time I spit in your mouth?

The three guys start to push Milton around and taunt him.

GUY 1
Yeah, do you still like to eat spit?

Guy 1 takes an appetizer from one of the waiters walking by, licks it and tries to shove it in Milton’s mouth as Guy 2 and Guy 3 hold him down. They are interrupted by Ms. Smythe.

MS. SMYTHE
Boys, boys, boys! That’s enough! Come on, now. Let’s act like adults.

A creepy guy walks up to them in a stained polo shirt and khaki pants.

CREEPY GUY
Hey guys…

MILTON, GUY 1, GUY 2, GUY 3
Hey Paul.

Creepy Guy takes the licked appetizer and eats it. They all wince and groan.

CREEPY GUY
Hey… does anyone have any paste? That woulda been GREAT with some paste…

They all look disgusted.

Cut to three women standing at the bar. They are all well dressed, with perfect hair and makeup.

WOMAN 1
So… after I got my MBA from Harvard Business School, I spent a few years as a vice president at GE, and now I’m a stay at home mom.

WOMAN 2
That’s so great! I’m also a stay at home mom with an ivy league degree!

WOMAN 3
Well, I’ll tell you… Even though I owe half a million in student loan debt, I wouldn’t trade my little Alison for anything… Well… do you think I could get a hundred grand for her?

Uncomfortable silence…

WOMAN 1
Tequila shots?

They all agree and do shots. A man approaches, flirtatiously.

FLIRTY MAN
Ladies! Well hello there, Ladies!

WOMEN
(rolling their eyes) Hi, Jacob.

FLIRTY MAN
My, don’t you ladies look radiant this evening! Why, I’d say you haven’t aged a day since I saw you last, but you are so much more beautiful than a 4 year old.

WOMAN 2
(A little tipsy) Oh, Jacob! You always were the ladies man! I remember when you used to chase us around the playground, trying to kiss us and look up our skirts…

As she is talking, the man tries to lift up her skirt… She slaps him away.

WOMAN 3
Yeah, my mom got so mad that one time when she caught us playing doctor! I was grounded for a week! Those were fun times…

As Woman 3 is talking, the man sneaks up to her and kisses her on the cheek. They all panic, scream and run in circles, as the man gives chase.

WOMAN 3
Oh my god, Cooties!

Cut to twins Laura and Larry, dressed similarly, with Larry in slightly effeminate clothes (but not over the top). Ms. Smythe approaches them.

MS. SMYTHE
Well, look at this! If it isn’t the Christianson twins, Laura and Larry… Looks like you two are still close.

LAURA
(dryly) Ha. About as close as a proton and an electron after nuclear fission.

LARRY
Yeah, pretty much as close as Emily Dickinson and her brother Austin after he shamed their family by taking a mistress.

LAURA
We have nothing in common. I have a PhD in Physics from MIT, and he studied poetry at NYU.

MS. SMYTHE
Well, it seems like you have the same taste in clothes…

LARRY
Well, of course we have the same taste in clothes. We shared a womb, you know! Gosh, why do you have to constantly victimize me?

LAURA
(protective of her brother) Do not even think of insulting my brother’s clothes, because I will go nuclear on your ass.

There is awkwardness for a moment, but then the creepy guy approaches, eating from a large jar of paste.

CREEPY GUY
I figured they wouldn’t have paste here, so I brought my own.

He walks away, happily.

MS. SMYTHE
I’m afraid Paul never really adjusted to life after his parents’ divorce.

LAURA
Yeah, he seems a bit off.

LARRY
What does he do now?

MS. SMYTHE
Oh, Paul? He’s a congressman.

Blackout.

Married Woman
(to the other woman) Oooh was that your daughter up there?

WOMAN
Yes. She was a little nervous, but she was soooo excited to put on her little tutu for her first dance recital.

MARRIED WOMAN
Well she did GREAT. Our daughter Jamie is 12. She’s been doing these things for so long, she’s like a pro.

WOMAN
I’m sure she’ll do great. Hey – you know I heard the local newspaper is sending a theater critic to cover the recital… I wonder where he’s sitting?

Stefon enters, wearing vinyl pants and a tight graphic t-shirt. He has to climb over Julia to get to his seat.

STEFON
Excuse me… Theater critic… Excuse me… Hiiii.

WOMAN
(Slightly confused, a little uncomfortable) Hi.

STEFON
Wow, this space is great! It reminds me of New York’s hottest club: CHEEKS. Where club promoter Bitch McCockle has thought of everything: Strobe lights, assless chaps, dogs wearing tiny fireman hats, paste-eating loners, sock people.

WOMAN
Sock people?

STEFON
You know, it’s that thing when it looks like you have a sock over your head, but there’s holes cut out for your eyes, and it ends just below your mouth, so your breath kind of condenses on the wool?

WOMAN
Seriously. I have no idea what you’re talking about.

MARRIED WOMAN
Sshhh… They’re about to start!

The lights dim a little, and piano music starts to play. Stefon is overjoyed.

STEFON
Oh my god! The costumes! It’s like something straight out of New York’s hottest club: STACHE. And they have thought of everything! Sequins, feathers, little girls with uncle fester makeup, big-eyed mole people, horror-funk music.

WOMAN
What’s horror-funk music?

STEFON
You know, it’s like a psycho in the woods at night beside a still, still lake, and all you can hear is crickets alongside the distant tear of the chainsaw through sweaty adolescent flesh.

MARRIED WOMAN
Do you mind being quiet? My daughter is up there….

STEFON
(Trying to contain himself) Mhmmmm…

He dances in his seat to the piano music from the recital.

MARRIED MAN
Hey buddy… Come on! I’m trying to take video.

STEFON
Oh yes! You must get this on video. The dancing reminds me of New York’s hottest club: OONTZ. Ten year old Berlin club promoter Liesl von Stubenheimer is BACK! And this time he’s gone all out: go-go cages, clown core music, Siamese twins that look like Ann Coulter, Wizard of Oz People…

MARRIED MAN
Dude, that sounds like something a delirious gay man might hallucinate at Disney on Ice.

The music ends. The lights come up, and everyone applauds.

STEFON
That was fabulous.

MARRIED MAN
Hey, you know what would be fabulous? Dessert at Baker’s Square. They have everything: Pie, adult contemporary muzak, no-nonsense waitresses, paper napkins….

STEFON
Ooooh!

They all get up and leave.

Intro: Same audio as the regular Gossip Girl, but instead of the photo of Manhattan at night, there’s a photo of Main Street, Kenosha. Music, with whispering.

SARAH
Hi Mom.

MOM
Hi Sarah! I hope you had a nice day at school, dear. Look who’s here to visit – it’s your cousin Jenny Humphrey from Manhattan! She was just telling me about all her exciting adventures on the Upper East Side.

DAUGHTER
Oh, wow! I can’t wait to hear about it. New York is so glamorous! So what brings you to good old Kenosha, Wisconsin?

JENNY
Yeah, well, I was totally the Queen Bee at the elite Constance Billard Private School, despite my slightly rough background as the daughter of a successful 90’s rock musician. With my edgy style and ambitious attitude I took the Upper East Side by storm. That is, until a local gossip blog broke a story about me dating a drug dealer, and that’s when my dad sent me here.

MOM
Jenny is going to stay with us for a few months until she goes off to college in the Fall.

SARAH
Don’t worry, Jenny, I’ll show you the ropes. I bet Manhattan isn’t that much different than life here in Kenosha Wisconsin!

(whispering to Jenny) I have cigarettes!

Cut to a high school hallway. Lockers line the hallway. Two boys are talking to each other.

BILLY
Hey, did you see the new girl?

JIMMY
Yeah, she’s totally hot.

BILLY
Yeah, I guess so. She kind of dresses like a drag queen, though.

Sarah and Jenny approach. Jenny looks out of place, dressed in super trendy clothes with dark, thick eyeliner, compared to the jeans and t-shirts of the more average looking high school kids.

SARAH
So this is my locker, and these two blockheads are Billy and Jimmy. Due to the alphabetical misfortune of being born with a last name that starts with M, I am fated to be plagued by these two until graduation. Or until one or both flunk out of school.

She sticks her tongue out at them, they mimic her and walk away, laughing.

JENNY
You know, when I was having trouble with some people at school, what I did was stop going to school, start my own fashion line and live in an apartment with models until I could humiliate my rivals in a social coup and return to my place as queen bee.

SARAH
Oh, uh… Thanks for the advice. I know! I’ll plant this marijuana in their lockers… They’ll get suspended for sure.

Cut to exterior, nighttime. Jenny and Sarah are sitting on hay bales in a grassy field, sipping out of plastic solo cups.

SARAH
I know Kenosha isn’t shaping up to be as exciting as you’d hoped. But Melissa throws the best keg parties. We always hide the keg in the trees behind where the bonfire is, and her parents never come out to bother us.

Jenny
I don’t normally drink beer.

Two other girls approach.

GIRL 1
Hey Sarah. Hi Jenny. This is such a cool party, right?

GIRL 2
What are your keg parties like in Manhattan, Jenny?

JENNY
Um, we don’t really have keg parties in Manhattan. Usually we just hit a couple clubs, and then at the afterparty is when it really gets crazy.

SARAH
Hey – wanna go do a kegstand?

JENNY
(resigned to the situation) Sure, why not?

Red and blue police lights flash, everyone scatters as the police bust up the party. Cut to the interior of a car. The mom is driving.

MOM
I cannot BELIEVE you girls would get into this kind of trouble. Jenny – I don’t know what you do in Manhattan, but here in Kenosha, 17 year olds do not go to keg parties. I’m ashamed of you both.

SARAH
Yeah, Mom. I just wanted to go to the library, but Jenny said the library is boring, so she invited me to this New York style party at Melissa’s house. She said that all the kids on the Upper East Side do keg stands.

MOM
Well, that’s it. Jenny – First thing in the morning, you are packing up your things and going back to New York. We can’t have you setting a bad example for Sarah.

Jenny rolls her eyes. Gossip Girl’s voiceover:

NARRATOR
Looks like Jenny’s heart just wasn’t in the heartland. But can a big apple grow in Kenosha? Wisconsin might not have seen the last of Jenny Humphrey. Until next time, you know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Girl.

GIRL 1
Hey guys, this movie night was a great idea!

GUY 1
Yeah, 12 straight hours of Nightmare on Elm Street. I totally can’t wait.

The group sits down and someone hits play on the remote control. Cut to close ups of each person’s face. Guy 1 is excited, Girl 1 looks scared, Guy 2 laughs and eats popcorn, Girl 2 rests her head on Guy 2’s shoulder and starts to fall asleep.

Girl 2 wakes up startled. The lights have dimmed, and a metallic noise is heard. A spotlight shines on a nearby recliner. Freddy Krueger sits with his feet up, a newspaper in his lap. Girl 2 looks scared. Freddy makes snipping motions at the newspaper and holds up a coupon.

FREDDY
(ghoulishly)
Looks like ground beef is on sale this week…

Cut to Girl 2, who looks even more terrified. Cut back to Freddy, who has made paper dolls out of the newspaper.

GIRL 2
I must have dozed off… I had the weirdest dream about Freddy Krueger.

GUY 2
Seriously? The movie has barely even started. You need to man up.

They go back to watching the movie, but now Girl 1 is falling asleep. Suddenly, she opens her eyes, and the room is dark. A spotlight shines next to her, and Freddy Krueger is leaning over, with his bladed hand in her face.

FREDDY
Well, well, well… What’s this?

GIRL 1
What… What do you want from me?

FREDDY
Looks like you have a loose thread.

Freddy pulls a thread from near her neck and carefully snips it off with a loud metallic cutting sound. He lightly throws the thread on the ground.

FREDDY
There you go…

Girl 1 starts screaming. The lights go up, and her friends stare at her, confused.

GUY 1
What the…?

GIRL 1
I fell asleep, and Freddy was here!

Girl 2 also looks scared, but the two guys laugh.

GUY 1
Come ON. You girls are such a bunch of girls.

GUY 2
Yeah, geez. Grow a pair, will you? We’re just getting to the good part.

They go back to watching the movie. Now, Guy 1 starts to fall asleep. He wakes up, and again the lights dim. A spotlight shines on Freddy, who is standing just behind the chair that Guy 1 is sitting in, examining the back of Guy 1’s head. He touches the back of his neck with a bladed finger. Guy 1 feels something on his neck and brushes it away. He turns around and is face to face with Freddy.

FREDDY
You could use a haircut, son. You look like a girl.

Freddy pulls Guy 1 out of the chair and behind the couch to the floor. Sounds of fighting and screaming, then the lights come up again. Guy 1 peaks out from behind the couch. The group laughs at him.

GIRL 1
Now who needs to grow a pair?

GUY 2
Dude… what happened to your hair?

Guy 1’s hair is now cut short.

GUY 1
Oh my god you guys, Freddy is here!

The lights dim, and they all scream. A loud metallic noise can be heard coming from the next room. The group stares at the door, afraid of what’s on the other side. The door opens and the lights come up, revealing Freddy coming out of the kitchen in an apron, with a large bowl in his hands.

FREDDY
Hey kids! Sorry if I woke you. I was just finishing up a fruit salad.

He holds out the large bowl of chopped fruit. The group exchanges shocked/confused looks, and Girl 1 takes the bowl and sets it on the table. Guy 2 takes a piece of fruit and pops it in his mouth.

GIRL 1
Oh, uh, thanks Freddy…

GUY 1
Hey, man, thanks. This is a really good fruit salad!

FREDDY
Hey, no problem. By the way – nice haircut. Makes you look a lot more masculine.

Guy 1 shrugs, they all laugh and continue watching the movie.

Suddenly, the front door bursts open. Michael Meyers stands menacingly in the doorway. They all scream and flee. Michael Meyers looks around, shrugs and sits down to watch the movie, with the bowl of fruit salad in his lap.

A man in khaki pants and a blue polo shirt stands at a countertop. Ingredients and a blender are displayed neatly in bowls, like a cooking show.

Hi! I’m Willie Hayes, and I’m here to tell you about a new device that will revolutionize the way you work in the kitchen.

Are you tired of traditional blenders, with their dangerous blades, confusing buttons and complicated lid systems?

He holds up the pitcher of a blender and tries unsuccessfully to put the lid on it.

Now there’s a better way! Take a look at Mr. Blender, the quickest, easiest way to blend, grind and/or chop your food.

A man walks on stage and positions himself behind the counter. His t-shirt says “Mr. Blender.”

Want a strawberry banana smoothie? NO PROBLEM. Mr. Blender is on the job! You don’t even need to peel the banana. Just place the strawberries, banana and a little frozen yogurt in front of Mr. Blender, and watch the magic happen.

He places all the ingredients in a large bowl in front of Mr. Blender. Mr. Blender mashes everything together with his hands and scoops it into a glass. Will Hayes takes a sip with a straw.

DELICIOUS!

(continued?)

But that’s not all!

More than just a blender, Mr. Blender also chops and grinds. Homemade peanut butter is a great healthy alternative to store-bought brands with their additives and preservatives. But chopping peanuts by hand is hard work! That’s where Mr. Blender comes in.

Just feed the peanuts into Mr. Blender’s grinding compartment and in just a few seconds…

He dumps half a cup of peanuts into Mr. Blender’s mouth. Mr. Blender chews the peanuts.

Mr. Blender chops and grinds the peanuts to the exact consistency you want.

He holds a cup up to Mr. Blender’s mouth. Mr. Blender spits the chewed up peanuts into the cup.

Wonderful!

Spreading the chewed-up peanuts onto a slice of bread:

So, if you’re tired of complicated traditional blenders, Mr. Blender can help! Call now to reserve yours today!

He takes a bite of the sandwich.

DELICIOUS!

Father is making coffee. Daughter comes downstairs in a robe and sits down at the kitchen table.

FATHER
You were out late last night.

DAUGHTER
Oh, Dad. I’m not a little girl anymore.

FATHER
I know. But still, it was late.

DAUGHTER
Well, you aren’t going to have to worry about that anymore.

(cut to engagement ring on daughter’s finger, then cut to father smiling.)

ANNOUNCER
For overbearing fathers, whose adult daughters can’t take care of themselves, Oldgers coffee has been reinforcing traditional gender stereotypes for generations.

Cut to sepia-toned old timey dad, daughter and man, dressed as pioneers. The man has 2 goats. All three are drinking coffee.

DAD
My daughter is not very smart, but she has a strong back. With these two goats and some Oldgers coffee, she will make you a happy man.

All three look at the camera and smile. The daughter hugs her new husband.

Cut to an old couple sitting on rocking chairs on a large front porch of a house surrounded by a wheat field.

ANNOUNCER
Oldgers coffee is the coffee of choice for traditionalists, moralists and sentimentalists around the world…

Cut to black and white scene of a man sitting at a table, reading a newspaper. Woman (pregnant, but wearing pearls and high heels) is cooking breakfast in the kitchen.

HUSBAND
Well, I’ll be! This coffee is actually good. You finally learned how to make something that doesn’t make me sick to my stomach!

WIFE
Oh, I’m still a horrible cook, dear. But now that I’ve found Oldgers Coffee, I can spend less time trying to make you a tasty cup of coffee, and more time vacuuming the house in high heels…

They both turn to the camera and smile.

(Musical interlude, with a collage of photographs from various middle class vignettes)
Jingle: The best part of waking up… is living in the past.

Cut back to the first man and daughter.

DAUGHTER
I’m so happy to have found another man to keep me under control.

DAD
He’s a lucky man… At least that’s what I told him when we talked last week.

Flashback to a week earlier. Dad shakes man’s hand and gives him 2 goats.

Fade out.

Comedy Central censored a recent episode of South Park after a radical Muslim website published a threat against show creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker. The controversial episode was to feature the prophet Muhammad dressed in a bear costume. Hey… That gives me an idea… If Muhammad in a bear suit can get a show taken off the air…
(Visual: photo of guy in a bear suit with the cast of Jersey Shore)

An explosion on an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico caused the platform to sink, and 42,000 gallons of oil a day are estimated to be leaking into the water off the gulf coast. The good news is, Uncle Cletus down in Mississippi now has enough hair tonic to last the rest of the summer.
(Visual: photo of an old redneck man with a greased back comb over, next to an oil-covered seagull.)

(Visual: blindfolded man with a cigarette in his mouth.)
A Utah Man is set to be executed by firing squad on June 18th. Although capital punishment opponents are protesting the ruling, victims rights advocates argue that firing squad is actually less cruel and unusual than making the man continue to live in Utah.

***

All 41 Republican senators signed a letter this week stating their opposition to the financial regulation bill that’s currently being debated in the Senate Banking Committee. What possible reasons could these guys have for opposing a bill that will prevent investment bankers and hedge fund managers from defrauding their customers out of their hard-earned money?

Is it because it’s an unpopular bill pushed through by power-hungry Democrats? Yeeeaaah, right. Pretty much EVERYONE hates the bank executives and their multi-million dollar bonuses. Let’s face it – the only people more reviled in this country than financial executives are, in fact, members of congress. So probably the only bill that would be more popular than this financial regulation bill would be a bill forcing all Senators to just shut the hell up and do a little work.

I mean, I can’t think of any other bill that would be more popular than reigning in executive bonuses and complex derivative trading. Even a bill mandating good weather would be opposed by farmers who need rain for their crops. A bill providing free cake for everyone would tick-off nutritionists, but really, who on earth would support more money for bankers?

So, come on Republican Senators. You can pretend all day that you’re working hard to support the “populist” uprising of Average Joe Tea Partier. But at the end of the day, there’s something a little off about defending an institution that almost brought down the entire American economy. And when I say something’s a little off, I’m not just talking about this guy:
(Visual: tea partier dressed in colonial clothing)

Elena Kagan, U.S. Solicitor General, Former Dean of Harvard Law School
Kathleen Sullivan, Law Professor, Form Dean of Stanford Law School
Merrick Garland, U.S. Court of Appeals – Washington D.C. Circuit

The panel of judges – President Obama, Vice President Biden, Harry Reid and guest judge Kim Kardashian – sits at one end of the room. The three final contestants walk in and stand on the other end of the room.

BARACK OBAMA
Hello contestants. Of course you all know there is no “litmus test” for the highest court in the land, but if you want to be America’s Next Supreme Court Justice, you’ll have to show everyone that you know how to answer the tough questions. That’s why, in this week’s photo shoot, we challenged you to demonstrate your position on the controversial ruling of Roe Versus Wade.

Elena Kagan, you’re first.

Elena Kagan walks down the runway and approaches the judges’ table. Elena is played by a slightly overweight man in drag.

BARACK OBAMA
Elena… Are you ready to take a look at your photo?

ELENA KAGAN
Yes, Mr. President.

The photo shows Kagan, posed awkwardly with one arm out to the side, palm up, and the other hand on her forehead.

BARACK OBAMA
OK. I have to say, Elena… This is not your best photo.

JOE BIDEN
Oh man… I don’t know what you’re going for here. I mean, you clearly have some gender issues, but you do know what Roe v. Wade is, right?

KIM KARDASHIAN
I don’t know… I think I kind of like it. When I think of Roe versus Wade, this is exactly how I feel.

HARRY REID
I’m going to agree with Joe. It’s obvious from this picture that you have no judicial experience.

BARACK OBAMA
Let me just ask you a question, Elena. How do you feel about this shot?

ELENA KAGAN
I admit it didn’t really turn out how I’d hoped. I was trying to show the complicated nature of the ruling, but it just didn’t seem to come through.

BARACK OBAMA
When I looked at your film from this shoot, I saw a lot of good posing, but your face was just so self conscious. This just doesn’t have the “fabulosity” you’re going to need to be America’s Next Supreme Court Justice.

Kagan nods sheepishly.

BARACK OBAMA
OK… Next up is Kathleen Sullivan.

Sullivan approaches the judges table. Her mannerisms are scholarly, like a professor about to teach class.

BARACK OBAMA
Kathleen… Here’s your photo.

The photo shows Sullivan, hands on hips looking defiantly at the camera.

BARACK OBAMA
Woah! That’s just… You are just fierce in this photo.

HARRY REID
It’s very, almost… confrontational.

BARACK OBAMA
When I see something like this, it just reminds me of myself during the election, when I was just fighting for every vote. In this photo, you look fierce, just like I was. Don’t you guys think this is a very Obama-esque photo?

KATHLEEN SULLIVAN
The thrust of my argument here is towards a deeper understanding of the privacy issue surrounding Roe vs. Wade.

JOE BIDEN
Hah. Thrust… You do a lot of thrusting, do you?

KATHLEEN SULLIVAN
Excuse me?

JOE BIDEN
Well, you like the ladies, right? So who wears the pants, if you know what I mean?

KATHLEEN SULLIVAN
I don’t believe my sexuality is pertinent to the job, although I would be honored to be the first openly gay member of the Supreme Court.

JOE BIDEN
(laughing) OK, sweetie.

KIM KARDASHIAN
You know, you should try making a sex tape. That totally did wonders for my career.

BARACK OBAMA
Thank you, Kathleen. Merrick Garland. You’re next.

Garland approaches the judges table

BARACK OBAMA
Here’s your best photo.

The photo shows Garland sitting behind a judge’s desk, holding a gavel.

BARACK OBAMA
Wow. The gravitas in this photo… Merrick, you are the only one of the finalists to have served as a judge. It really shows through here.

KIM KARDASHIAN
(Flirting) Great photo…

HARRY REID
There’s just not much to say here. You really look the part.

BARACK OBAMA
One thing you need to work on is using your eyes to show emotion… For example, if I wanted to look like I was deep in thought, using just my eyes, I would do this:

(Obama’s face remains blank.)

OK? but here’s what you did:

(Obama’s face remains blank.)

Do you see the difference?

JOE BIDEN
I think it’s refreshing to see a man up here. I mean, why does everyone think America’s Next Supreme Court Justice has to be a woman or a Mexican or a gay? What’s wrong with a good old fashioned white protestant male?

MERRICK GARLAND
Actually, I’m Jewish.

JOE BIDEN
Jewish! You’re kidding! We already have two of those!

BARACK OBAMA
So. Now it’s time for us to deliberate. And, when I call you back… It will be time to announce… which one of you will be…

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Hi… I’m so happy to be here. I used to be a cast member here in the early 80′s. You might not remember, but I was just 21 years old back then. Yeah, I was really just a kid. In fact, I was the youngest female cast member of Saturday Night Live. Well, I *was,* that is, until this season, when Abby Elliot joined the cast.

Yeah, she’s cute isn’t she? Just. Adorable. I remember back when I was that age, with my whoooole life ahead of me. The world was my oyster (whatever that means.) And now, of course, I have a successful career. I was on one of the most successful sitcoms of the 90′s and now I have my own show, The New Adventures of Old Christine, Wednesday nights on CBS.

You know… I bet Abby could really learn a lot from my experience! This business is still a man’s world, and I bet she could use a mentor.

Abby…. Abby! Come over here!

[Abby Elliot enters, iPod earbuds in, texting on her iPhone. She takes one of the earbuds out so she can here.]

Abby: [still texting] Uh, Hi Julia.

Julia: Hi! [She waits for her to stop texting.] Uh… hi.

Abby: [finally looking up.] Yeah hi… [a little insincere.] It’s soooo good to have you on the show.

Julia: Well thank you. It’s so great to be asked. You know, I started on SNL very young, just like you.

Abby: Yeah, that’s what my dad said.

Julia: Well. I was just thinking that you might want a mentor.

Abby: Oh yeah, totally.

Julia: Great… So…

Abby: yeah?

Julia: [expectantly] Do you have any questions for me?

Abby: For you? Oh…. No! Kristin is my mentor! Kristin, come here!

[Kristin Wiig enters, also on an iPhone.]

Kristin: Hey.

Abby: I was just telling Julia here that you’ve been mentoring me!

Kristin: [nonchalant] Yeah. Cool… [awkward silence.]

Abby: [To Kristin] So, I was hoping you could give me some notes on the “Jaeger bomb” sketch? [Implying that she's trying to get out of the awkward situation]

Kristin: Oh yeah… The “Jaeger bomb” sketch. Totally. [To Julia] Sorry Julia. We’ve just got SO MUCH work to do, you know? We’ll see you around.

Abby: [apologetically] Yeah, good luck on the show tonight!

Julia: Oh! Wait guys! I’ll be done here in a second! [Shouting after them] I’d love to help you with the Jaeger bomb sketch!

Oh well… We have a great show tonight! Etc.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thank you! It’s so great to be back at Saturday Night Live. Not to get all nostalgic on you, but I had some really great times here back when I was a cast member. This is where I met Larry David, who created a little show I was on called Seinfeld. And, even now that I have my own show – The New Adventures of Old Christine (Wednesday nights on CBS) – it seems like just yesterday that I was roaming around good old Studio 8H.

Maybe… if you don’t mind… I can show you around my old stomping grounds.

[walking "backstage."]

Yeah! This’ll be fun!

[There's a table set up to the side. Two cast members are playing chess.]

OK, so here… Hi guys! I’m just, you know, giving a tour of the studio… Not that much has changed since I was a cast member. For example, this table *right here.* Joe Piscopo and Eddie Murphy used to sit here, just like you guys are now!

Cast 1: Really? I didn’t know Murphy and Piscopo played chess…

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [shaking head] Oh no! They didn’t play *chess.* They would… well [hesitates]. Let’s just say they were “going over their lines” if you know what I mean… Oh look! Over heeeere….

[There's a mirror mounted on the wall, Julia looks at her reflection.]

This is where I used to check my hair and makeup before going on stage. [fixing her hair, she says to herself] You look marvelous.

Billy Crystal once told me that I was an inspiration! Can you imagine?!? Ha. Such a sweet guy. I wonder what he’s up to… Well, anyway…

Ha! Look over here! [gestures at a step stool] My friend Tim Kazurinsky used to use this stool when he was in sketches with some of the taller guys. He was kind of on the short side, so sometimes he would need to look taller to fit in the frame properly. How embarrassing! [A short cast member approaches (Fred Armisan?)]

Oh, hi…

Cast 2: [embarrassed]. Oh, uh… Hi. um. Excuse me… [picks up stool and walks away.]

[Lorne Michaels approaches]

Lorne Michaels: Hi Julia.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Hi Lorne. I was just reminiscing about my time on SNL. It’s been so long, but not that much has changed.

Lorne Michaels: Well, that’s true. Some things never change. For example, we still keep Marty Short tied up in the old broom closet.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [laughs] Oh great! I was wondering about that. I’ll have to stop by after the show and say hi!

[Cut to Martin Short tied up in a closet. He struggles to get free.]

[Cut back to the stage.]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: We have a great show tonight… etc.