The talk show class that is requiring me to write these jokes every week ends on Monday, so this will probably be my last batch of jokes. That’s good news for me, since I haven’t been able to keep up with the 3-5 per day pace that I started at. In fact, I don’t even know if I have to write any this week, but I’m uncomfortable with the idea of going to class unprepared. Yeah, NERD, I know.

Lindsay Lohan filed a lawsuit against E-Trade, saying the company’s Superbowl commercial unfairly capitalized on her name when the ad’s talking babies referred to someone called “Milkaholic Lindsay.” E-Trade defended their ad, stating that the baby was very obviously modeled after notorious milkaholic Senator Lindsey Graham.

A man who asked a woman in a movie theater to stop talking on her phone during the movie was stabbed in the neck with a meat thermometer. He was then escorted out of the theater for making too much noise.

Appearing on The Glenn Beck Program, Former New York Representative Eric Massa admitted to tickling and groping male staffers. Massa defended himself, claiming that as a navy veteran, he thought his actions were allowed under the armed forces’ relaxed “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

Democratic Senator Jim Webb suggested that the U.S. Army allow soldiers in war zones to drink alcohol as a form of stress relief. The proposal was soundly rejected by the U.S. House of Representatives, whose official recommendation for stress relief is limited to tickle fights.

An Arizona Republican has proposed a 5% pay cut for all members of congress, the first since 1933. The proposal signals rough times ahead for the already struggling “hookers and blow” industry.

i thought i already published these but i just found them in the Drafts folder. hmmm. kind of like finding something sticky in your pocket after putting on your spring jacket for the first time in a year…

The Oscars were on last night, hosted by Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Steve Martin has hosted before, but it was the first time the ceremony was sponsored by Cialis.

Sandra Bullock won the Oscar for best actress. When asked for comment, her former Speed costar, Keanu Reeves, said, “woah.”

I know I shouldn’t write these all the night before my class, but I couldn’t write anything while I was in Cincinnati because, well, CINCINNATI. There’s nothing funny about southern Ohio. It’s sort of the colon of America. Located somewhere below the beer belly of the midwest and just above the rectum and shitpile of the south. They put CHILI on their hot dogs fer Chrissakes. WTF.

Celebrity Birthday: Alan Greenspan turns 84 on Saturday… Even in retirement, Greenspan is highly influential. He’s on so many different medications, he’s created a pharmaceutical bubble based on his sub-prime health.

The U.S. Postal Service announced a plan to eliminate Saturday deliveries, cutting mail service to 5 days a week. So you might have to wait an extra day to receive the one letter a year you get from your Grandmother.

The 8.8 magnitude earthquake off the coast of Chile was so powerful that it sped up the earth’s rotation, shortening our days by about 1.6 microseconds.The good news is: Jay Leno’s show will now be 1.6 microseconds shorter.

More than three million New York cable tv subscribers may miss Sunday night’s Academy Awards broadcast due to a standoff between ABC and Cablevision. In order to attract would-be Oscar viewers, CBS’s Undercover Boss will feature 7-11 President Joseph DePinto modeling designer ball gowns.

Grateful Dead-inspired jam band Phish plans to release a 3D concert film in theaters next month. In stock market news, concession stand futures were sharply up.

Ooohwee, it’s been a while, eh? I was in Cincinnati for work for most of this week, but I did do some writing on the plane trips. Overall, pretty terrible:

A bakery that makes girl scout cookies is pulling some batches of its lemon chalet cremes because of complaints of a foul smell. Upon further investigation, the bakery found that the affected cookies were fine – the problem was actually due to girl scout Michelle “Stinky” Jones delivering the cookies in unseasonably warm weather.(Barf.)

A tsunami warning in Hawaii was canceled after the large waves expected never materialized. However, various conservative groups still demanded to see the tsunami’s birth certificate.

Three days after Tilikum, the largest Orca in captivity, attacked and killed its trainer, Sea World announced that it would resume its killer whale shows. The shows would have started up again sooner except that Southwest Airlines refused to let Shamu board the plane that was to take him there.

As E.U. countries consider a bail-out of the bankrupt Greek government, the chief economist at the Center for European Reform said that in order to sell the bail-out plan to the skeptical German public, the Greeks must be seen “suffering.” In order to bring Greek suffering up to a level acceptable to the German public, the Greek government has provided each citizen with a copy of David Hasselhoff’s greatest hits.

Senator Jim Bunning, who had been filibustering a jobs bill, relented on Tuesday, after his amendment to the bill was voted down. In a show of bipartisan unity, Senators from both sides of the aisle voted down the Kentucky Senator’s amendment, which would have required everyone receiving unemployment benefits to wear string ties and white linen suits. HAHAHAH COLONEL SANDERS.

On Wednesday, gay marriage became legal in Washington D.C.The move is expected to bring in a flood of even more closeted Republicans.

• Marijuana use among senior citizens is on the rise as baby boomers turn to the drug to relieve the aches and pains of aging. The trend is examined in-depth in Cheech and Chong’s next movie, called “Up in Smoke 2: You kids stay off of my grass.”
• In a press conference this week, Tiger Woods said that he has turned to Buddhism as a way to deal with his marital problems. Friends of the golfer say this is Tiger’s first step towards landing a hot yoga teacher.

But not tonight!

President Obama met with the Dalai Lama on Thursday. The move angered Chinese officials who claim that it’s proof the Dalai Lama is a secret Muslim.

In June, the country’s most popular cigarettes – Marlboro Lights – will be re-branded as Marlboro Golds to comply with new rules outlawing the marketing of light cigarettes as a healthier alternative. The law also jeopardizes the company’s newest product line – Marlboro Broccoli.

NBC’s Olympic coverage beat American Idol in ratings on Wednesday night, marking the first time in 6 years that the popular talent show has not been number 1. There are no hard feelings, though. As a show of good will, Fox donated all of Paula’s old clothes to the US men’s figure skating team.

New figures released by the US Commerce department show that roughly 40% of US households do not have high speed Internet, which officials say puts them at risk in today’s economy. Because with 10% unemployment, it’s important to have access to the vast library of cat videos on YouTube.

On Tuesday, the National Security Council met to run a cyber war game, which began with a virus-ridden smartphone application and ended with the entire nation losing electricity. So, don’t worry international cyber terrorists… You want to create widespread global chaos? There’s an app for that!

A French researcher studying a hundred years worth of athletic world records has concluded that human athletic performance reached its peak in 1988. After hearing the news, fat teenage boys everywhere shrugged their shoulders and went back to playing World of Warcraft.

• Warm weather has plagued the Vancouver Olympics so far, melting snow and turning the ski runs to slush. Global warming deniers could not be reached for comment because their cars were stuck in mud at the bottom of the mountain.
• American Johnny Spillane took home a silver medal in the Nordic Combined event, which involves a ski jump followed by a cross country ski race. This is the first-ever medal for an American in that event, and with three Americans in the top six spots, the US team has shown that it’s a true contender in the world of Sports Nobody Cares About.
• In women’s hockey, the Americans beat China 12 – 1. All three fans were said to be ecstatic.
• Alexandre Bilodeau became the first Canadian to win a gold medal on Canadian soil this weekend. When asked what he is going to do next, Bilodeau shouted “I’m going to Canada’s Wonderland!”
• In a news conference, American Snowboarder Graham Watanabe compared being in the Olympics to riding a pegasus crossed with a unicorn into clouds and sunshine and rainbows. In other news, Vancouver faces a widespread shortage of weed and cheetos.

2/14/10 Update: These are terrible. I need to start over, but I could t just leave the unfinished. Apologies.

• A 23 year old man was arrested for smashing 29 tvs with a baseball bat at a Walmart in Georgia. The previous record holder was Mark McGuire, who ushered in the steroid era of walmart crime sprees by smashing 22 tvs in 1994.
• “Thinking outside the box” placed first on a list of most annoying office jargon in a recent British survey. Dear British survey respondents: Thinking outside the box was sunsetted 5 years ago. I think if you drill down and really do a deep dive, you’ll be able to ideate a more annoying buzzword. Please advise.
• The number of illegal immigrants in the U.S. has declined by almost 1 million since 2008, according to a new study. Wow, we’re losing illegal immigrants faster than Glen Beck’s losing advertisers.
• NASA is studying minor damage to the space shuttle Endeavor, which docked at the International Space Station this week. Apparently, the only thing more dangerous than a space shuttle is a Toyota. UGH.
• Celebrity birthday: Sarah Palin turns 46 today.