Last week’s assignment: Weekend Update

More Jokes! While we were in Costa Rica, the assignment was to write a Weekend Update, including 3 character pieces and 4 jokes. I obviously did not work while I was in C.R., so I tried to cram in two weeks worth of assignments on Sunday night. I thought these sucked, but the class seemed to like them. (Didn’t quite get around to the characters)

Comedy Central censored a recent episode of South Park after a radical Muslim website published a threat against show creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker. The controversial episode was to feature the prophet Muhammad dressed in a bear costume. Hey… That gives me an idea… If Muhammad in a bear suit can get a show taken off the air…
(Visual: photo of guy in a bear suit with the cast of Jersey Shore)

An explosion on an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico caused the platform to sink, and 42,000 gallons of oil a day are estimated to be leaking into the water off the gulf coast. The good news is, Uncle Cletus down in Mississippi now has enough hair tonic to last the rest of the summer.
(Visual: photo of an old redneck man with a greased back comb over, next to an oil-covered seagull.)

(Visual: blindfolded man with a cigarette in his mouth.)
A Utah Man is set to be executed by firing squad on June 18th. Although capital punishment opponents are protesting the ruling, victims rights advocates argue that firing squad is actually less cruel and unusual than making the man continue to live in Utah.

***

All 41 Republican senators signed a letter this week stating their opposition to the financial regulation bill that’s currently being debated in the Senate Banking Committee. What possible reasons could these guys have for opposing a bill that will prevent investment bankers and hedge fund managers from defrauding their customers out of their hard-earned money?

Is it because it’s an unpopular bill pushed through by power-hungry Democrats? Yeeeaaah, right. Pretty much EVERYONE hates the bank executives and their multi-million dollar bonuses. Let’s face it – the only people more reviled in this country than financial executives are, in fact, members of congress. So probably the only bill that would be more popular than this financial regulation bill would be a bill forcing all Senators to just shut the hell up and do a little work.

I mean, I can’t think of any other bill that would be more popular than reigning in executive bonuses and complex derivative trading. Even a bill mandating good weather would be opposed by farmers who need rain for their crops. A bill providing free cake for everyone would tick-off nutritionists, but really, who on earth would support more money for bankers?

So, come on Republican Senators. You can pretend all day that you’re working hard to support the “populist” uprising of Average Joe Tea Partier. But at the end of the day, there’s something a little off about defending an institution that almost brought down the entire American economy. And when I say something’s a little off, I’m not just talking about this guy:
(Visual: tea partier dressed in colonial clothing)

April 27, 2010 | Posted in: Miscellaneous | Comments Closed

What’s that smell?

CBS reportedly rejected a Superbowl ad for CareerBuilder which featured a group of men having a farting contest at work. So congratulations to CBS for having absolutely no idea what its audience will find offensive. I mean, if you really want to protect the world’s delicate sensibilities from excessive flatulence, you should go ahead and CANCEL THE SUPERBOWL.

This is a national event in which people all over the country celebrate overweight meatheads smashing into each other by consuming mass amounts of chili-cheese dip and buffalo wings. The only thing fartier than the Superbowl is taco night at the senior center. The next thing you know, they’ll be banning ads that feature body hair or beer guts. OK, sure those things ARE offensive, but without them, there would be no Superbowl. We’re not talking about an episode of Project Runway, here.

And speaking of gays on tv… CBS also banned a Superbowl commercial for gay dating website ManCrunch. What’s the deal here? I’m not saying CBS has sexual identity issues, but we *are* talking about a bunch of men in tight pants bending over and jumping onto huge writhing piles of other men in tight pants. If the Superbowl audience is really that afraid of their sports bars being overrun by gay dudes, maybe they should stop slapping each others’ asses after every play.

So farting and gay dating aren’t appropriate for the Superbowl audience, but Pam Tebow’s uterus is? Come ON, CBS. You think we’d rather talk about abortion than make fart jokes? That’s like saying we’d rather watch Meet the Press than, well, the SUPERBOWL.

Just let the Superbowl keep its fart jokes. If they stink up the place, you can always blame the dog.

February 6, 2010 | Posted in: Miscellaneous | Comments Closed

The New Space Program


As President Obama announced a plan to cut funding for NASA’s moon landing program, Iran announced that it has launched a mouse, two turtles and an unspecified number of worms into space. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claimed that the project proves Iran can defeat the west in technological development. Here to comment is United States’ Chief Technology Officer, Aneesh Chopra.

Aneesh Chopra, Technology Czar
Despite these recent developments in Iran, I’m here to tell you that there is NO WAY Iran is technologically superior to the United States. I mean, a mouse, two turtles and some worms? Please. My kid’s 3rd grade class is working on science more advanced than that. Just to prove that the United States is NOT falling behind, I got permission to share a couple of the high tech projects my office is working on.

First, Ahmadinejad may have sent one mouse up into space, but the international space station is already CRAWLING with them. That place has more vermin than a Wal-Mart stock room. That’s why we’re working on a mousetrap that works in space. Whoever said you can’t build a better mousetrap never tried to use one in zero gravity. Now, I can’t show you any of the prototypes of course, because it’s HIGHLY CLASSIFIED. But I can guarantee you we’ve got some of our best guys on this one, and I’m confident we’ll have something by 2014 at the latest.

Another project we’ve got going is building a replica of the moon in the Nevada desert. President Obama may have cut funding for NASA’s moon landing program, but that isn’t going to stop us. We’re going to build a mini-moon, where we’ll be able to do all the same experiments we would have done on the actual moon. The only thing stopping us right now is that we can’t find any of those Styrofoam balls that are strong enough to hold the lunar lander. So this one might be a little harder, but we did find one of those Styrofoam solar system kits in my mom’s basement, and that’s a start.

And finally, Osama Bin Laden is complaining from his mountain chalet about global warming, but does he ever do anything about it? No. But we’re doing something. This is something that we’re actually VERY close to delivering. Water wings for adults. That’s right, we believe it’s probably too late to do anything about global warming, and even if it’s not too late, what are we realistically going to do about it? Congress can’t even decide what toppings to order on the pizzas at their weekly pizza party. So we’ve decided to skip right over that and prepare for the impending floods from rising sea levels. These adult water wings will keep you afloat for AT LEAST a week. After that, well, maybe we can all start a colony on our Styrofoam mini-moon.

| Posted in: Miscellaneous | Comments Closed