I spent the last 4 days in Phoenix for work, so my brain is a little fried from the 113 degree heat, three days of conference sessions, copious amounts of alcohol, and 96 straight hours of schmoozing.

All my free time the last few weeks was taken up by either the writing class I’m taking after hours or home improvement projects. The good news: I have written an entire sitcom script and I have new kitchen cabinet doors and window treatments. The bad news: no posts in two months. I know, excuses…

So the sitcom script. I will post it eventually, but I still have some editing to do. For one, I thought sitcom scripts ran 2 pages per minute, but my teacher tells me it’s closer to 1 page per minute. So, if anyone ever wants to film a one-hour episode of How I Met Your Mother, I have a great script for you! In the mean time, I need to cut out 20 pages.

And the second reason I haven’t posted it yet is, uhhh… I’m kind of hating it right now. My main problem is trying to over-explain all the clunky plot devices, when really clunky sitcom plot devices should sort of just stand on their own. It’s a sitcom – it doesn’t need to make sense.

Also, I picked the plotline that my classmates seemed to like most, even though it wasn’t the one I liked the most. And then I tried to work in an extended homage to Rambo, which I have never even seen. So, basically, the entire thing is completely misguided and should probably never see the light of day. Much like a lot of what I have historically posted on this blog, right?

We’re supposed to stage a reading of our scripts, with, like, actors and stuff. I don’t really know any actors, so I’m hoping to borrow a few from my more actorly classmates. To be honest, I would not be disappointed if my script is never read aloud, but my teacher seems pretty set on it. I guess I will passive-aggressively not contact anyone and hope for the best. Cause, you know, that always works.

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MILTON
Hey, guys! It’s, me, Milton Heisburger! Remember me? So good to see you guys! Soo… How’s life been treating you?

GUY 1
Pretty good, you know… We’re all doing really well.

MILTON
Great. Yeah, me too. You know, when I was promoted to partner at the law firm, I thought, ‘I wish the guys could see me now.’

GUY 2
Hey Milton, Didn’t I make you eat worms once?

GUY 3
Ha! Yeah, and remember that one time I spit in your mouth?

The three guys start to push Milton around and taunt him.

GUY 1
Yeah, do you still like to eat spit?

Guy 1 takes an appetizer from one of the waiters walking by, licks it and tries to shove it in Milton’s mouth as Guy 2 and Guy 3 hold him down. They are interrupted by Ms. Smythe.

MS. SMYTHE
Boys, boys, boys! That’s enough! Come on, now. Let’s act like adults.

A creepy guy walks up to them in a stained polo shirt and khaki pants.

CREEPY GUY
Hey guys…

MILTON, GUY 1, GUY 2, GUY 3
Hey Paul.

Creepy Guy takes the licked appetizer and eats it. They all wince and groan.

CREEPY GUY
Hey… does anyone have any paste? That woulda been GREAT with some paste…

They all look disgusted.

Cut to three women standing at the bar. They are all well dressed, with perfect hair and makeup.

WOMAN 1
So… after I got my MBA from Harvard Business School, I spent a few years as a vice president at GE, and now I’m a stay at home mom.

WOMAN 2
That’s so great! I’m also a stay at home mom with an ivy league degree!

WOMAN 3
Well, I’ll tell you… Even though I owe half a million in student loan debt, I wouldn’t trade my little Alison for anything… Well… do you think I could get a hundred grand for her?

Uncomfortable silence…

WOMAN 1
Tequila shots?

They all agree and do shots. A man approaches, flirtatiously.

FLIRTY MAN
Ladies! Well hello there, Ladies!

WOMEN
(rolling their eyes) Hi, Jacob.

FLIRTY MAN
My, don’t you ladies look radiant this evening! Why, I’d say you haven’t aged a day since I saw you last, but you are so much more beautiful than a 4 year old.

WOMAN 2
(A little tipsy) Oh, Jacob! You always were the ladies man! I remember when you used to chase us around the playground, trying to kiss us and look up our skirts…

As she is talking, the man tries to lift up her skirt… She slaps him away.

WOMAN 3
Yeah, my mom got so mad that one time when she caught us playing doctor! I was grounded for a week! Those were fun times…

As Woman 3 is talking, the man sneaks up to her and kisses her on the cheek. They all panic, scream and run in circles, as the man gives chase.

WOMAN 3
Oh my god, Cooties!

Cut to twins Laura and Larry, dressed similarly, with Larry in slightly effeminate clothes (but not over the top). Ms. Smythe approaches them.

MS. SMYTHE
Well, look at this! If it isn’t the Christianson twins, Laura and Larry… Looks like you two are still close.

LAURA
(dryly) Ha. About as close as a proton and an electron after nuclear fission.

LARRY
Yeah, pretty much as close as Emily Dickinson and her brother Austin after he shamed their family by taking a mistress.

LAURA
We have nothing in common. I have a PhD in Physics from MIT, and he studied poetry at NYU.

MS. SMYTHE
Well, it seems like you have the same taste in clothes…

LARRY
Well, of course we have the same taste in clothes. We shared a womb, you know! Gosh, why do you have to constantly victimize me?

LAURA
(protective of her brother) Do not even think of insulting my brother’s clothes, because I will go nuclear on your ass.

There is awkwardness for a moment, but then the creepy guy approaches, eating from a large jar of paste.

CREEPY GUY
I figured they wouldn’t have paste here, so I brought my own.

He walks away, happily.

MS. SMYTHE
I’m afraid Paul never really adjusted to life after his parents’ divorce.

LAURA
Yeah, he seems a bit off.

LARRY
What does he do now?

MS. SMYTHE
Oh, Paul? He’s a congressman.

Blackout.

Married Woman
(to the other woman) Oooh was that your daughter up there?

WOMAN
Yes. She was a little nervous, but she was soooo excited to put on her little tutu for her first dance recital.

MARRIED WOMAN
Well she did GREAT. Our daughter Jamie is 12. She’s been doing these things for so long, she’s like a pro.

WOMAN
I’m sure she’ll do great. Hey – you know I heard the local newspaper is sending a theater critic to cover the recital… I wonder where he’s sitting?

Stefon enters, wearing vinyl pants and a tight graphic t-shirt. He has to climb over Julia to get to his seat.

STEFON
Excuse me… Theater critic… Excuse me… Hiiii.

WOMAN
(Slightly confused, a little uncomfortable) Hi.

STEFON
Wow, this space is great! It reminds me of New York’s hottest club: CHEEKS. Where club promoter Bitch McCockle has thought of everything: Strobe lights, assless chaps, dogs wearing tiny fireman hats, paste-eating loners, sock people.

WOMAN
Sock people?

STEFON
You know, it’s that thing when it looks like you have a sock over your head, but there’s holes cut out for your eyes, and it ends just below your mouth, so your breath kind of condenses on the wool?

WOMAN
Seriously. I have no idea what you’re talking about.

MARRIED WOMAN
Sshhh… They’re about to start!

The lights dim a little, and piano music starts to play. Stefon is overjoyed.

STEFON
Oh my god! The costumes! It’s like something straight out of New York’s hottest club: STACHE. And they have thought of everything! Sequins, feathers, little girls with uncle fester makeup, big-eyed mole people, horror-funk music.

WOMAN
What’s horror-funk music?

STEFON
You know, it’s like a psycho in the woods at night beside a still, still lake, and all you can hear is crickets alongside the distant tear of the chainsaw through sweaty adolescent flesh.

MARRIED WOMAN
Do you mind being quiet? My daughter is up there….

STEFON
(Trying to contain himself) Mhmmmm…

He dances in his seat to the piano music from the recital.

MARRIED MAN
Hey buddy… Come on! I’m trying to take video.

STEFON
Oh yes! You must get this on video. The dancing reminds me of New York’s hottest club: OONTZ. Ten year old Berlin club promoter Liesl von Stubenheimer is BACK! And this time he’s gone all out: go-go cages, clown core music, Siamese twins that look like Ann Coulter, Wizard of Oz People…

MARRIED MAN
Dude, that sounds like something a delirious gay man might hallucinate at Disney on Ice.

The music ends. The lights come up, and everyone applauds.

STEFON
That was fabulous.

MARRIED MAN
Hey, you know what would be fabulous? Dessert at Baker’s Square. They have everything: Pie, adult contemporary muzak, no-nonsense waitresses, paper napkins….

STEFON
Ooooh!

They all get up and leave.

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Intro: Same audio as the regular Gossip Girl, but instead of the photo of Manhattan at night, there’s a photo of Main Street, Kenosha. Music, with whispering.

SARAH
Hi Mom.

MOM
Hi Sarah! I hope you had a nice day at school, dear. Look who’s here to visit – it’s your cousin Jenny Humphrey from Manhattan! She was just telling me about all her exciting adventures on the Upper East Side.

DAUGHTER
Oh, wow! I can’t wait to hear about it. New York is so glamorous! So what brings you to good old Kenosha, Wisconsin?

JENNY
Yeah, well, I was totally the Queen Bee at the elite Constance Billard Private School, despite my slightly rough background as the daughter of a successful 90’s rock musician. With my edgy style and ambitious attitude I took the Upper East Side by storm. That is, until a local gossip blog broke a story about me dating a drug dealer, and that’s when my dad sent me here.

MOM
Jenny is going to stay with us for a few months until she goes off to college in the Fall.

SARAH
Don’t worry, Jenny, I’ll show you the ropes. I bet Manhattan isn’t that much different than life here in Kenosha Wisconsin!

(whispering to Jenny) I have cigarettes!

Cut to a high school hallway. Lockers line the hallway. Two boys are talking to each other.

BILLY
Hey, did you see the new girl?

JIMMY
Yeah, she’s totally hot.

BILLY
Yeah, I guess so. She kind of dresses like a drag queen, though.

Sarah and Jenny approach. Jenny looks out of place, dressed in super trendy clothes with dark, thick eyeliner, compared to the jeans and t-shirts of the more average looking high school kids.

SARAH
So this is my locker, and these two blockheads are Billy and Jimmy. Due to the alphabetical misfortune of being born with a last name that starts with M, I am fated to be plagued by these two until graduation. Or until one or both flunk out of school.

She sticks her tongue out at them, they mimic her and walk away, laughing.

JENNY
You know, when I was having trouble with some people at school, what I did was stop going to school, start my own fashion line and live in an apartment with models until I could humiliate my rivals in a social coup and return to my place as queen bee.

SARAH
Oh, uh… Thanks for the advice. I know! I’ll plant this marijuana in their lockers… They’ll get suspended for sure.

Cut to exterior, nighttime. Jenny and Sarah are sitting on hay bales in a grassy field, sipping out of plastic solo cups.

SARAH
I know Kenosha isn’t shaping up to be as exciting as you’d hoped. But Melissa throws the best keg parties. We always hide the keg in the trees behind where the bonfire is, and her parents never come out to bother us.

Jenny
I don’t normally drink beer.

Two other girls approach.

GIRL 1
Hey Sarah. Hi Jenny. This is such a cool party, right?

GIRL 2
What are your keg parties like in Manhattan, Jenny?

JENNY
Um, we don’t really have keg parties in Manhattan. Usually we just hit a couple clubs, and then at the afterparty is when it really gets crazy.

SARAH
Hey – wanna go do a kegstand?

JENNY
(resigned to the situation) Sure, why not?

Red and blue police lights flash, everyone scatters as the police bust up the party. Cut to the interior of a car. The mom is driving.

MOM
I cannot BELIEVE you girls would get into this kind of trouble. Jenny – I don’t know what you do in Manhattan, but here in Kenosha, 17 year olds do not go to keg parties. I’m ashamed of you both.

SARAH
Yeah, Mom. I just wanted to go to the library, but Jenny said the library is boring, so she invited me to this New York style party at Melissa’s house. She said that all the kids on the Upper East Side do keg stands.

MOM
Well, that’s it. Jenny – First thing in the morning, you are packing up your things and going back to New York. We can’t have you setting a bad example for Sarah.

Jenny rolls her eyes. Gossip Girl’s voiceover:

NARRATOR
Looks like Jenny’s heart just wasn’t in the heartland. But can a big apple grow in Kenosha? Wisconsin might not have seen the last of Jenny Humphrey. Until next time, you know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Girl.

GIRL 1
Hey guys, this movie night was a great idea!

GUY 1
Yeah, 12 straight hours of Nightmare on Elm Street. I totally can’t wait.

The group sits down and someone hits play on the remote control. Cut to close ups of each person’s face. Guy 1 is excited, Girl 1 looks scared, Guy 2 laughs and eats popcorn, Girl 2 rests her head on Guy 2’s shoulder and starts to fall asleep.

Girl 2 wakes up startled. The lights have dimmed, and a metallic noise is heard. A spotlight shines on a nearby recliner. Freddy Krueger sits with his feet up, a newspaper in his lap. Girl 2 looks scared. Freddy makes snipping motions at the newspaper and holds up a coupon.

FREDDY
(ghoulishly)
Looks like ground beef is on sale this week…

Cut to Girl 2, who looks even more terrified. Cut back to Freddy, who has made paper dolls out of the newspaper.

GIRL 2
I must have dozed off… I had the weirdest dream about Freddy Krueger.

GUY 2
Seriously? The movie has barely even started. You need to man up.

They go back to watching the movie, but now Girl 1 is falling asleep. Suddenly, she opens her eyes, and the room is dark. A spotlight shines next to her, and Freddy Krueger is leaning over, with his bladed hand in her face.

FREDDY
Well, well, well… What’s this?

GIRL 1
What… What do you want from me?

FREDDY
Looks like you have a loose thread.

Freddy pulls a thread from near her neck and carefully snips it off with a loud metallic cutting sound. He lightly throws the thread on the ground.

FREDDY
There you go…

Girl 1 starts screaming. The lights go up, and her friends stare at her, confused.

GUY 1
What the…?

GIRL 1
I fell asleep, and Freddy was here!

Girl 2 also looks scared, but the two guys laugh.

GUY 1
Come ON. You girls are such a bunch of girls.

GUY 2
Yeah, geez. Grow a pair, will you? We’re just getting to the good part.

They go back to watching the movie. Now, Guy 1 starts to fall asleep. He wakes up, and again the lights dim. A spotlight shines on Freddy, who is standing just behind the chair that Guy 1 is sitting in, examining the back of Guy 1’s head. He touches the back of his neck with a bladed finger. Guy 1 feels something on his neck and brushes it away. He turns around and is face to face with Freddy.

FREDDY
You could use a haircut, son. You look like a girl.

Freddy pulls Guy 1 out of the chair and behind the couch to the floor. Sounds of fighting and screaming, then the lights come up again. Guy 1 peaks out from behind the couch. The group laughs at him.

GIRL 1
Now who needs to grow a pair?

GUY 2
Dude… what happened to your hair?

Guy 1’s hair is now cut short.

GUY 1
Oh my god you guys, Freddy is here!

The lights dim, and they all scream. A loud metallic noise can be heard coming from the next room. The group stares at the door, afraid of what’s on the other side. The door opens and the lights come up, revealing Freddy coming out of the kitchen in an apron, with a large bowl in his hands.

FREDDY
Hey kids! Sorry if I woke you. I was just finishing up a fruit salad.

He holds out the large bowl of chopped fruit. The group exchanges shocked/confused looks, and Girl 1 takes the bowl and sets it on the table. Guy 2 takes a piece of fruit and pops it in his mouth.

GIRL 1
Oh, uh, thanks Freddy…

GUY 1
Hey, man, thanks. This is a really good fruit salad!

FREDDY
Hey, no problem. By the way – nice haircut. Makes you look a lot more masculine.

Guy 1 shrugs, they all laugh and continue watching the movie.

Suddenly, the front door bursts open. Michael Meyers stands menacingly in the doorway. They all scream and flee. Michael Meyers looks around, shrugs and sits down to watch the movie, with the bowl of fruit salad in his lap.

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A man in khaki pants and a blue polo shirt stands at a countertop. Ingredients and a blender are displayed neatly in bowls, like a cooking show.

Hi! I’m Willie Hayes, and I’m here to tell you about a new device that will revolutionize the way you work in the kitchen.

Are you tired of traditional blenders, with their dangerous blades, confusing buttons and complicated lid systems?

He holds up the pitcher of a blender and tries unsuccessfully to put the lid on it.

Now there’s a better way! Take a look at Mr. Blender, the quickest, easiest way to blend, grind and/or chop your food.

A man walks on stage and positions himself behind the counter. His t-shirt says “Mr. Blender.”

Want a strawberry banana smoothie? NO PROBLEM. Mr. Blender is on the job! You don’t even need to peel the banana. Just place the strawberries, banana and a little frozen yogurt in front of Mr. Blender, and watch the magic happen.

He places all the ingredients in a large bowl in front of Mr. Blender. Mr. Blender mashes everything together with his hands and scoops it into a glass. Will Hayes takes a sip with a straw.

DELICIOUS!

(continued?)

But that’s not all!

More than just a blender, Mr. Blender also chops and grinds. Homemade peanut butter is a great healthy alternative to store-bought brands with their additives and preservatives. But chopping peanuts by hand is hard work! That’s where Mr. Blender comes in.

Just feed the peanuts into Mr. Blender’s grinding compartment and in just a few seconds…

He dumps half a cup of peanuts into Mr. Blender’s mouth. Mr. Blender chews the peanuts.

Mr. Blender chops and grinds the peanuts to the exact consistency you want.

He holds a cup up to Mr. Blender’s mouth. Mr. Blender spits the chewed up peanuts into the cup.

Wonderful!

Spreading the chewed-up peanuts onto a slice of bread:

So, if you’re tired of complicated traditional blenders, Mr. Blender can help! Call now to reserve yours today!

He takes a bite of the sandwich.

DELICIOUS!